feel free to take a look around
Welcome to the off-Facebook host for Garbage Romance, the blog for only the best of the worst of romance and erotica. Here I do what was once called “hackfic”, basically taking the original text of something and adding in my own editor’s notes. You will likely notice as the blog progresses that I tend to summarize more in my more recent works, which is entirely to avoid any legal kerfuffles.
We will begin with the nearly completed “Dark Designs”. Enjoy, if that’s what you call it.
And we proceed with “The Lady’s In Love With Her Cat” aka “Rich, Radiant Love”.
And… we also get to the author’s bullshit version of formatting. See, she really likes to separate her books into separate books, and calls them like “Book I”, “Book II” and the like, but they’re not actually long enough to be books in of themselves. In fact Book I is all of 25 pages or something ridiculous. In essence, it’s useless pomp to the third degree, and I hate it.
Continue reading “Rich, Radiant Love Pt. 2: Vogon Prose A-Go-Go”
Welcome back to Garbage Romance, the place where I read terrible books and then make fun of them.
Today will start our foray into “Rich, Radiant Love”. A book that was part of a birthday gift from my dear friend over at Bespectacled Bento, it has become an immediate favorite due to the incredibly weird and rather romantic author’s dedication to her own cat, which can be read here. The last book in a four book series, “Rich, Radiant Love” manages to contain only a tenuous understanding of history, a bunch of pirates, romance book tropes out the nose, and so many eye-rollingly terrible bits that I can’t even begin to describe them here.
Oh, and the RHYMING VERSE. Each chapter begins with a really awful rhyming verse that I’m certain the author thinks are very clever. They’re not. They’re bad.
Continue reading ““Rich, Radiant Love” Part 1: A Vague Understanding of Everything”
It’s the home stretch, guys. Pretty soon you’ll get to stop having to read my stupid anime jokes.
Last time, the gay sex finally happened, there was gratuitous Japanese involved, there’s now a lesbian triad, and the wedding is back on because Sean and Chelsea the Most Hated had spankings and sex in the dining pavilion.
Silk, grinning like a cat what got the cream (heh), traipses up to bed and falls into a deep, dark, dreamless, post-assfucking sleep. Aww, how sweet.
He is woken, unceremoniously, three hours before the ceremony (heh heh), by none other than Chelsea and Dolores fighting again, this time over the bouquet. Dolores wants it thrown, Chelsea is having it pressed, everyone stands up to Dolores and she tries to underhand the situation by mentioning The Orange Grove Incident. Everyone snorts at her and she then counters by saying that one Major Cranthorpe, coincidentally one of the landed gentry who walked in on The Orange Grove Incident, is now TOTES her boyfriend, and she’s spent all her time at the village pub drinking and playing grab-ass with him.
Chelsea officially loses all of her shit, roasts her mother, and then calls her a Grade A bitch. While this has made me like Chelsea substantially more than I did before, I really wish she had given her another one about how Dolores can’t shut up about her ex-husband banging 19 year old hotties in the Bahamas, but is totally down with being the village bike.
Ah, well, we can’t get everything we want.
Cue everyone getting done up for the wedding. Silk is feeling apprehension about his Golden Gaytime and is worried Takeshi and Remy will fuck back off to West Hoomply, leaving him dreaming of masturbating goths with soap bars and having Japanese anime boy dick up his butt.
Remy, meanwhile, is stuck trying desperately to dress Dolores, who won’t stop bitching about how her tits aren’t firm and perky in the corset. Before Remy can tell her “that’s what happens when you get old”, Alix apparates into the room and goes “OHHHHH WE CAN JUST TAPE YOUR BOOBS WITH GAFFER TAPE!” Remy agrees, saying they used toupee tape back when she was in fashion college. Alix lets her know that gaffer tape is hyper-sticky duct tape used to tape down and protect cords during shoots and shows, and that it will hurt like twelve bitches when it gets taken off, so they both just snicker about it.
Remy goes to get dressed, and of course her dress is DRAMATIC and EDWARDIAN and BLOOD-RED. Takeshi calls up to her that the cars and carriage are there to take them to the chapel, and we get to see what the fuck he’s wearing.
“…a watermarked silk suit… soft mauve…matched with a dusky grey silk shirt”
Jesus Fuck, Takeshi. You showed up to a goth wedding in a mauve goddamn suit. What the hell. He then tells Remy that it’s a “Visual Kei” suit, because let us not forget that the woman writing this has learned everything about Japan from anime and manga. Remy then mentions Silk and suddenly Takeshi is all big-eyes and parted lips like “Whoooo? Whaaat?”, so Remy immediately deduces that THEY FUCKED AND DIDN’T TELL HER, THE BITCHES.
Now at the wedding, we get a bunch of shit that would be like 5 pages of yaoi manga close-ups on Takeshi and Silk making facial expressions. Their face journeys lead Remy to further believe that they DEFINITELY FUCKED. Meanwhile, the traditional standby of “The Wedding March” or perhaps “Pachelbel’s Canon in D” is replaced with Saint-Saien’s “Danse Macabre”, which, of course.
Remy runs out of business cards in between the ceremony and reception, because of course she does. While that’s going on, Takeshi and Silk have some makeouts in the graveyard, because, you know, of course. They discuss having a threesome, which Takeshi laughs at and insists Remy would never be into, she just wants to watch them together. Silk says the ridiculous line of “Trust me, I know women”, in regards to them ACTUALLY having an actual threesome where all three people are involved. Which… I don’t trust you, Silk. I don’t trust you at all.
The reception is given minor dues, the food is of course mentioned with detail, Dolores convinced Chelsea to throw one of the bridesmaid bouquets so that she could catch it (and then proceeded to grind her crotch on Major Cranthorpe’s knee all night), and HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS, IT’S STEVE! Remember Steve from the breakfast scene? He got mentioned again! He’s even got a last name, Evans! Remy is then apologized to by a very drunk Alix for “abandoning her”, and she stage whispers that she’s dating Marianne now. Remy just sort of pats her head and is like “good for you” and goes off to find The Yaoi Boys, who have yet again disappeared.
Well, they’re in the graveyard, making out for a crowd now. Remy is furious because she thinks she has ownership over their relationship because she set them up together. They all go to the castle, Remy catches them about to fuck, they lay her down, Takeshi enters her vagina, Silk enters Takeshi’s anus, and they all have weird but apparently satisfying sex while Remy cries about how she loves them both.
Takeshi tells her “you’d better” before they all nut, and then they make plans to buy a strap on (or… cucumber…) in the morning.
The. Fucking. End
Kate here, letting you guys know that “Goths and Weeaboos” will be on a brief hiatus while I figure out where exactly I stashed the copy.
In lieu of that, I will deliver with what is possibly the strangest dedication I’ve ever read in a book. Mind you that this is a romance novel’s dedication, so the fact that it’s about the author’s cat is rather… interesting.
“To beautiful Gold, my enormous and bewitching tomcat, son of Fancy and Spice; Gold, with his winning ways and his singing purr and his soft, amazingly thick fur of brilliant white and golden orange; affectionate, sensitive, intelligent, charming Gold whose huge lamplike golden eyes have such a melting gaze; dear gentle Gold, who loves everyone and who has won a special place in our hearts forever, this book is dedicated.”
WOW. I’m pretty certain this lady is just actually, literally in romantic love with her cat. I can’t remember exactly when it was published, so for all I know, “affectionate, sensitive, intelligent, charming Gold” is an affectionate and sensitive skelecat in some pet cemetery.
LAST TIME, ON WEEABOO BALL Z
Everybody kissed everybody, everybody has The Thirst, and Remy and Takeshi got all “I love you” “I know” on each other.
So, we have Silk, who is curled up in his bed trying to ignore basically everything on the planet and on Earth, since bestie Shaun is still pissed that his soon-to-be wife gave him a smooch after losing hide-and-go-seek. Man, goths play WAY better hide and go seek than I ever did. Poor Silk, so put upon.
The door cracks open and Silk hides under his covers like “I AM TOTALLY ASLEEP AND DO NOT WANT TO DISCUSS ANY KISSES I WANTED NO PART OF”, trying to ignore whom he thinks is mopey and drunken Shaun. Unfortunately for poor Silk, it’s none of the above.
The Gorgons have decided to strike.
Drunk, in Regency wear, with elaborate stage makeup and fangs, Sev, Lulu and Eloise have decided they’re gonna play Bram Stoker’s Dracula and Silk gets to be Keanu Reeves as Jonathan Harker. Please, allow me to quote:
“He is young and strong; there are kisses for us all,” added Lucretia.
GUYS, LULU IS THE CERTIFIABLY CRAZY ONE. FULL ON SHOULD BE IN A HOME KIND OF CUCKOO BANANA-PANTS. MAYBE THIS “SLEEP SEDUCE THE ANIME MAN WHILE DRESSED AS VAMPIRES” IDEA WAS NOT AS WELL THOUGHT OUT AS YOU THINK.
The Gorgons absolutely jump him. It’s titties and pussies and pubic hair and tongues and fingers and weird fake ass vampire fangs EVERYWHERE. Somehow it turns into a line of booty getting smacked and then he convinces them to start fapping away and just… ditches out with three identically hot vampire triplets who are entirely all about touching your wing-wong.
Why? Not Takeshi. Of course not. Pfft. Like, how even could you suggest such a silly thing? Takeshi, with his chocolate-colored eyes and kiss like a bitter cherry. Takeshi and his sky blue hair. Never. Why would he think of him? The only cure for totally NOT thinking about Takeshi is to go and boink Remy, right? Right? Off to Remy’s room.
So Silk marches up those stairs like some sort of sex ninja, totally thinking he’s gonna get it, only to discover AI SHITERU T_T TAKESHI-CHAN CHOU KIMOUCHI, IKUUUUUUUUUUUUU~! going on in Remy’s bed. He straight up stands quietly in her doorway and just stares at them getting it on passionately in the tiny bed. Mostly staring at Takeshi, and his tattoo, and his butt, and his wang, and his Takeshi-ness.
The remedy for that? Running away, climbing up to the roof of the Jacobean castle you’re in, and stand there on a precipice in the cold-ass British heather moors wind in The Coachman Coat. Freezing cold and your hair blowing dramatically in the wind is the BEST cure for blue balls.
Shaun, meanwhile, has been sulking in the den by the fireplace for HOURS AND HOURS. Because UGH how DARE HIS woman kiss HIS best friend and also he’s scared that Silk is going to steal his wife like he’s stolen ex-girlfriends, so drinking and being an idiot is better. Drunkenly, he wanders up to the room, slams the door open, and WOW HIS TRIPLET COUSINS WERE STILL IN THERE ON HIS AND SILK’S BEDS FAPPING THAT’S COOL. Sev and Lulu screech like little mutant crows and go tearing out, but Eloise is halfway to Orgasm Town and this train ain’t stopping.
Drunk Shaun, who is far far stupider than Sober Shaun, stares blearily at HIS OWN COUSIN just wanking away at the lady valley there, and is like “i’m drunk, w/e” and whips it out and starts wanking too! Oh, how lovely, they must be distant Lannister relations. Drunk Shaun is not even paying attention anymore and is totally half-drunk certain that it’s not Eloise, it’s some weird succubus of his wife with fanged mouth nipples and a tail? No, seriously, he’s seriously that drunk and their vampire costumes were seriously that accurate, I guess.
So he calls out Chelsea’s name, Eloise calls out his name, they both realize “oh my god i just fapped in front of my cousin” and it’s SUPER FUCKING AWKWARD and while Shaun is like OH MY GOD I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN, Eloise is like ‘lol whatevs, ninite’. Shaun falls asleep with the sneaking suspicion that he just made a huge mistake, and we’re on to Chapter Nine!
Alix is awake with the dawn, and feeling good, ready to eat some food and get shit done. Swanning about in her manner, she goes up to Remy’s room and starts opening all the curtains while crowing WAKEY WAKEY!!! and thinking wistfully of how she became a photographer and realized she was a lesbian (old Hammer films, jsyk). She starts to wax nostalgic about the glimpses of Remy nude she’d gotten as her roommate, thinking of better times as she uncovers a set of fine buns and places a hearty smack on them.
And then flies off the bed with a screech because HOLY FUCK REMY GOT A NICE ASS BUT NOT BUNS OF STEEL WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT WHO DID I SPANK.
Takeshi, of course, rolls over in an “undeniably sexy” anime manner and blearily is like “Did… did you just feel me up? Man I thought Remy was giving me a sweet wake up breakfast.” Alix of course responds with “WHAT YUCK EUGH NO GROSS NO.” Remy is nowhere to be found, and Alix is obnoxiously making a point of not looking at Takeshi, who retaliates with going UNCE UNCE UNCE UNCE and trying to striptease with the duvet. Alix slaps his leg, throws the duvet across the room, and saucily marches down the stairs with a toss of her head.
About three steps in she’s going GOD DAMN, ALIX, YOU’RE SUCH A CUNT, WHY AM I SO MEAN, I KNEW THEY WERE DATING, I AM SO UNCOOL AND NOT NICE. She passes the kitchen, where the Gorgons, looking particularly worse for wear, are nursing juice glasses (minus Lulu, who is chugging tomato juice out of the carton like it’s going out of style). Lulu cackles out something about being down in 10 after they get some makeup on, and Alix grunts her acknowledgement, feeling beastly and like she wants to go out and take down half a lesbian bar with her mouth.
Unfortunately, a BODY ON THE STAIRS tries to kill her first, so she starts railing about how FUCK YOU THIS ISN’T A CHAIR until she realizes it’s Marianne, and she’s in a Sisters of Mercy shirt and a white lace babydoll dress under it, weeping softly. Alix realizes with surprise that she’s crying over Silk, and realizes with surprise that she, Alix, gives a shit. Alix straight up is like “why are you crying over that wanker” and Marianne goes “I GOT DUMPED”. Alix laughs for a thousand years and goes “a one night stand isn’t dating, that’s not how this works, that’s not how any of this works.”
Marianne, of course, is HORRIFIED because HOW DARE U and Alix is like “shut up and drink this truth tea, he won’t fuck you, go do your corset modelling alone with me, you don’t have to be around Silk if it makes you uncomfortable.” Marianne gets all pouty that OMG Remy has TWO BOYS who want her and BOO HOO, to which Alix counters with a total lie that Takeshi and Remy’s relationship is “strictly business”, and Marianne goes “oh so is THAT why he wasn’t in his own bed last night.”
By only the Grace of God and Baby Jesus and Slash and All Things Bright and Beautiful does Alix not rip Marianne’s face skin off and eat it right there. Marianne can see the flash of pure murderrage in Alix’s eyes and grabs her hand, apologizing that she hit a nerve and she’s being bitchy and she’s sorry, but Takeshi doesn’t usually get like this about girls, so she’s pretty sure that he’s in love with Remy. Alix is just like “NO FUCK YOU AND YOUR FACE AND YOUR WHOLE LIFE” and marches off, the only bit of relief in her mind the fact that Remy is shit-tier at relationships and self-sabotages. Because Alix is a really really bad and self-absorbed friend.
Meanwhile, Remy rips her very favorite special dress that looks like fire and on top of all the emotion and hectic speed and crazy wedding shit, it takes everything in her not to cry. Which is okay, because Silk is sitting there in her workroom alone in his underpants.
What, you mean YOU don’t regularly just enter a friend’s home while they’re not there and then take off all your clothes? Why not?
She manages to not just blurt out something dumb for the first time in the book, but somehow REALLY SEXILY is like “someone steal your clothes?” He just coolly looks at her and is like “Didn’t you want to dress me like a doll?” and Remy goes OH YEAH HUH I DID WANT TO DO THAT THING.
“Dress me like a doll” is apparently code for “make out with me violently” so they do the thing. Alix and Takeshi walk in on this and Alix, with the greatest amount of smug self-righteous vicious vengeance happiness in her voice is like, OH WELL GOODNESS, EXCUSE US!
Remy: Oh fuck.
Takeshi:
Takeshi:
Takeshi: (forced politeness) Good morning, Silk. Remy.
Alix: Haha, oh look, you can pinpoint the exact moment where his heart breaks!
Remy starts frantically handing clothes to Silk and sewing things while looking at ABSOLUTELY NOBODY. Silk goes to pick out a few pieces as Alix asks like a gleeful hand-rubbing little goblin if Remy still wanted to do the fashion shoot, which Remy agrees to without looking. Takeshi, meanwhile, is making this face >:[ and is frantically grabbing everything that Silk doesn’t because FUCK YOU I’M GOING TO YOU WOMAN STEALING POOP FACE ASSBUTT. He throws on some gothy outfit and then storms into the hallway, stealing a sword from a suit of armor and swinging it around. Because, you know, he’s Japanese. That’s apparently what they do, according to moon-faced English women.
Silk is like LOL NOOB and Takeshi is like WOMAN STEALER, and Silk is like “WELL SHE LIKED IT.”
Oh no, you Entered the Dragon, Silk.
Takeshi: [sidles up with sword]
Takeshi: It must be so… [glances for FAR TOO LONG at Silk’s crotch] hard. So hard to find so little satisfaction.
Takeshi: [gets closer]
Takeshi: So… lonely. So… cold.
Silk:
Silk: i know wat ur doing and im telling u it wont work
Takeshi: Oh really? It won’t work?
Takeshi: [leans in as close as humanly possible without touching him]
Takeshi: [dramatic sexy anime whisper] then why are you hard, Silk-kun?
Silk: !!!!!!!!!!!!
Silk: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Takeshi: [fucking flies on that sword out of the castle like a fucking hoverboard]
So they go out to the photo shoot place. Silk is wearing a blue velvet coat and top hat with a silver sword cane, and Takeshi is wearing a silk dressing gown with “Spiderman underpants”, a pair of black briefs with a silver spiderweb design. They take about one thousand pictures and Alix starts packing up because like FUCK does she want to take pictures of Takeshi in fucking Spidey panties. Remy is like NO WAIT WE WILL DO THE COSPLAY we need to do it like yaoi and Alix is about so done with this, but she gets photos of Remy’s ass, so whatever.
They slap The Coachman’s Coat on Silk and a bunch of punk goth looking shit on Takeshi. Taking the super gaybaiting photos goes well until Takeshi straight up kisses Silk.
OH IT’S FUCKIN ON NOW.
They start tumbling and Alix is like WHOOHOO YEAH FUCKIN FIGHT GET ‘IM and Remy is like NO NO ALL WILL BE RUINED. Suddenly, Takeshi backs him up against the fountain with his sword and Alix again is like OOH THESE ARE FUCKIN BEAUTY SHOTS. She’s going ape with the angles while Takeshi is playing this game to the HILT. He starts unbuttoning Silk’s shirt and touching his bare chest and looking longingly and licking his bellybutton (what, don’t you?) He straight up starts pullling Silk’s pants off and trying to get at his wang while Alix is Pokemon Snap all over the place.
Silk: I WILL FUCKING CASTRATE YOU IF YOU DO NOT STOP LICKING ME.
Takeshi: Okay! :3 *bites Silk’s inner thigh*
Silk: [FLIES AWAY ON FLARED NOSTRIL POWER]
Silk marches off into the orange grove surrounding the castle, bonered and confused by the boner. Boys? Boys give boners? What? But straight? What? Silk needs a pamphlet.
But he doesn’t get one. He gets Dolores appearing suddenly and panting for his boner and he’s finally like YOU KNOW WHAT, BITCH? YOU WANT IT? OK GET IT THEN.
As you do, he dominates her and bangs her doggy style, no holes barred, in the middle of this orange grove. Real raunchy shit going down. Banging away like crazy, whew. As soon as both are about to pop off
“MOTHER!” Chelsea’s shriek cut through the fog of bliss.
Nothing can ever be easy, can it?
So Chelsea shows up with four of the neighbors, and is now forced to introduce her bent over mum with a cock up her ass, who’s still orgasming from the cock up her ass, in the middle of their orange grove. Two of the dudes are titled. So like this wasn’t fucking nonsense enough, Chelsea fucking MAKES INTRODUCTIONS for Silk and her mother who are in flagrante delicto as hard as anyone can flagrante delicto, and these guys just go and SHAKE THEIR HANDS and are like EH WOT WOT GOOD SHOW EH QUITE GOOD EH CHAPS EH WOT WOT?
Chelsea manages to escape, thank God, and Dolores immediately turns on the bitch shade. Silk calls her out on being a jealous wench of a mother and a sad excuse at that.
Dolores: BLAH BLAH WHATEVER oh how was Eloise, better than me?
Silk: …
Dolores: I KNEW IT
Silk: [i have made a huge mistake]
Dolores: SHE WAS FUCKING SHAUN WASN’T SHE
Silk: OH MY GOD LADY, YOU ARE A BITCH AND I FUCKING HATE YOU, BURN IN HELL YOU SHIT-STIRRING PIECE OF SHITFACE I HATE YOU.
Next chapter: Takeshi helps Marianne learn what lesbians is, Remy gets it, Dolores is hideous and ruins lives and hates fun, Alix and Takeshi actually become friends, and we learn about Takeshi and his Mysterious Japanese Past (TM)
WELCOME BACK, FRIENDS, TO OVERDRAMATIC GOTH CASTLE!
Last segment we got to endure more of Dolores, nobody got to properly enjoy breakfast, Silk stole clothes from Remy while getting a boner, and then proceeded to fingerbang the cute kinda chubby one in a pantry, only to notice afterwards that she’s a bit clingy.
Remy finishes dressing Shaun the Cockblocker, and then traipses out with Alix and Takeshi for some catalogue shooting. Takeshi, of fucking course, is a photographers DREAM. He mugs for the camera and pours on the wounded machismo bullshit and Alix is just eating it up. While Remy gets him dressed in the final outfit, she notices his nipples are hard from the wind, and because Remy is Remy, she goes glassy-eyed and starts drooling to suck on them. He’s like “your hands are cold” and presses them against his neck. Suddenly, it turns into a fuckin romance anime scene, where he’s leaning in close at a weird angle looking into her eyes and asking her if she wants to go back to his room, and pretty much the only thing missing is a kiss and the cherry blossoms flying through the air.
Their big derp fantasy gets shattered by the sound of Alix folding up her equipment and bitching about how she’s bored and dressing up your boyfriend for pictures isn’t going to get people to buy your products. Luckily for EVERYONE, the Master of Advertisement, Takeshi, is here to fix that for us.
Takeshi: DO A COSPLAY.
Remy: Fucking what?
Takeshi: MAKE A CENTERFOLD THING IN THE CATALOGUE MIDDLE AND IT CAN BE COSPLAY!!!
Remy: …please try to explain to me in simple words why in fuck you think your idiot idea will work?
Takeshi: BECAUSE SILK LOOKS LIKE SEPHIROTH IRL!
Alix:
Alix:
Remy:
Remy:
Remy: You’re an idiot.
Takeshi: COME ONNNNNNNNN! I’LL LET YOU BORROW TIFA AND-
Alix: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a weirdo nerd? Because you are.
Takeshi: SHUT UP. SHAUN HAS BLACK HAIR!!!!
Remy: Yes he does, dear, you’re quite astute.
Takeshi: SEE?! HE COULD BE VINCENT VALENTINE! IT’S GOING TO BE SICK AS FUCK!!!
Alix: …actually, Remy, it would be pretty striking, and your clothes WOULD suit. As much as I hate to admit this, the blue-haired one might actually be RIGHT.
Remy: FOR FUCK’S SAKE YOU TWO. How the hell am I even supposed to convince Silk to dress up like FUCKING SEPHIROTH.
Alix: Give him a blowjob? Fuck, I dunno, I don’t know how straight people function.
Takeshi: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF HOW ABOUT YOU FUCKIN GIVE HIM HEAD, ALIX, YOU DUMB IDIOT JERKFACE BITCHWAD, DON’T TELL MY NOT-GIRLFRIEND WHAT TO DO!!!!
Alix: Because I’d rather deepthroat a shotgun. Remember, lesbian? Do they not have those where you come from? Or where Chelsea comes from? How come you fuckers don’t understand the basic concept of what a lesbian is?
Remy: WHOA WHOA, HOLD THE PHONE HERE. Takeshi, don’t talk shit. How about YOU go suck his dick, how about that?
Takeshi: I’D LOVE TO but he’s straighter than straight.
Remy:
Alix:
Remy:
Alix:
Remy and Alix: You’re fucking joking.
Takeshi: He’s so fucking straight, he probably craps out star-shaped poops cause his butthole is so tight. Like a frosting bag.
Remy: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Takeshi: NO SHHH JUST LISTEN TO ME. He does the pretty boy thing because ladies don’t find him threatening that way, thus he is like SWIMMING in pussy.
Remy: [nearly starts crying]
Remy: [watches as her fantasies of Silk and Takeshi fucking go up in flames]
Takeshi: I bet you like fifty bucks he’s gonna fuck 80% of the castle by the end of this wedding.
Remy: YEAH AND YOU’LL HAVE SLEPT WITH 0%, JERKFACE DREAM-RUINER
Takeshi: Nah, I already slept with you.
Takeshi: [SMUG. FUCKING. FACE.]
Remy: …I hate you so much.
Takeshi: Also, I’m totally gonna fuck him. Are you kidding me? I’mma be all UP in them tight lil pants. Aww yeee.
Remy: BUT YOU LITERALLY JUST GAVE ME A TALK ABOUT HOW HE WOULD NEVER EVER TOUCH A DUDE
Takeshi: Who said I play by the rules? [puts on sunglasses, moonwalks into the castle]
As they walk up back to the castle, they see the goth-girliest hearse parked in the driveway possible. Lace and satin curtains and doilies and all sorts of shit. The main hallway inside is full of squawking, stuffed with suitcases, and somebody’s sexy panties are littered all over the stairway. Remy, Alix, and Takeshi are basically like “wat”, stow Alix’s gear, and return to the entryway to the delightful sounds of the Gorgons arguing over who’s underpants are all over the stairs now.
And here we meet Eloise, Gorgon 2. Bony, pale, pretty in a sort of creepy way, with her brand new porcelain fangs installed. She does introductions, notices Takeshi’s blue hair and his whole being Japanese thing, and they proceed to have a conversation about Japanese pop culture that basically sounds like this:
Did you watch it? Did it make any sense? No? Good! Excellent. That’s what we want. Remy and Alix are right there with you.
Severina, or Sev as she’s more often called, comes downstairs, and it’s revealed that the Gorgons are IVF identical triplets. Sev is Gorgon 1. The numbers have absolutely nothing to do with birth order, but levels of crazy. Sev is the most normal of the three, lacking the fake fangs and ostentatious getups, dressing more like Wednesday Addams. Eloise is the middle nutter, and Lucretia, or Lulu, is Queen Batshit of Nutcake Mountain. Lulu is also hilarious.
Takeshi escapes the crowd of strange women and hides by a window. Of course, the mention of GIRUGAMESH and SMILE.DK and GAYMEN brings back Painful Memories of His Past (TM). Neon in the night, pale girls in high heels and miniskirts, the sounds of motorcycle tires peeling out. MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMORIESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, ALL ALONE IN THE NEONLIIIIIIIIGHT~
He continues moping for another page about how life was totes hard working for the yakuza and how he didn’t come to the castle to do anything but bang Remy into oblivion and he mopes about how she wants Silk’s dick. But then he’s forced to deal with the fact that he also kind of REALLY REALLY wants Silk’s dick too. His resolution is to seduce Silk and get him to have sex with him, so that Remy won’t break up with him for Silk. Make sense? Yeah, didn’t think so.
Takeshi wanders off to enact his Brilliant Plan (TM), and finds Shaun and Silk chillin in the lounge with a fire going. Shaun hops up from being all lazy and slouchy, offers Takeshi a seat, is just generally a really genial guy. He starts chatting up Takeshi about various things.
Shaun: So, how’d you meet Remy?
Takeshi: UM. Well. Uh, we met at a comic shop. We both like the same stuff. [thinking: YEAH MAN PLAYED HELLA COOL]
Shaun: PFFFT you mean her gay animes? With the fruity boys?
Takeshi: [smiles, catches slowly on fire]
Shaun: IDK bro, Japanese animes are WEIRD.
Silk: Don’t be racist, Shaun. Really, slash has been written by SO many people blah blah blah blah blah
Shaun: Ya whatever, I’m not gay, not my scene.
Takeshi: [staring at Silk and thinking: how in the fuck do you even KNOW]
They go on to chat a bit about how interesting and eccentric Shaun and his family are, Silk cracks jokes about how Shaun is the normal one, and they basically just do some small talk. Until Silk decides this is an excellent time for an EGO BATTLE.
Silk: So, are you and Remy together or not?
Takeshi: WHY CAUSE YOU WANT IN ON SOME OF THIS? EH? EH? TAKESHI AND REMY SAMMICH? EH? SHE’S DOWN FOR THE THREESOME.
Shaun: [dies laughing]
Silk: [nostrils flare INTENSELY]
Takeshi: WUT BAE U SCARED IM GONNA OUTDO YOU?
Silk: [NOSTRILS FLARING]
Takeshi: OR U SCURRD IMMA TOUCH YOU
Takeshi: WIF
Takeshi: MAH
Takeshi: D I C K ? ? ? !
Shaun: [DYING]
Silk: [NOSTRILS FLARING LIKE THEY’RE WINGS HE WILL FLY AWAY WITH]
Silk: What ever makes you say that?
Takeshi: Cause, boo. YOU’RE FRESH FISH. FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESH FIIIIIIIIISH. STILL GOT DAT BOOTY CHERRY, AIN’T EVEN CREAMED FROM A BOY.
Shaun: [he ded]
Silk: WELL NOW, THAT IS A -VERY- LARGE ASSUMPTION!!!!
Takeshi: Maybe. [leans in, whispers] cept u smell like tunaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa fishyboi cherrypop.
Silk: [NOSTRILS SO FLARED THEY BEGIN TO CATCH THE WIND LIKE PARACHUTES]
Silk: [FACE LIKE THE KOOL-AID MAN]
Takeshi: I’ll be around, yanno, if you want dat… [puts on sunglasses] CHERRY POP! [moonwalks out of the lounge]
While Takeshi is enacting his MASTERPLAN TROLLPLAN, Remy is in the workstation, listening to the Gorgons squawk about literally everything possible. Eventually they leave her to finish up their dresses, after picking out some little embellishments here and there. Remy busts ass and then just sort of lolls there, praying someone will bring her something to eat, or drink, preferably warm, because it’s cold and lonely in Cinderella’s cellar.
Nah! It’s just Alix.
Alix: WE’RE PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK, KISSES IF YOU LOSE, A SPANKING IF YOU WIN.
Remy: im out
Alix: SILK IS IT.
Remy: HOLY FUCK I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO IN
Alix hides up the chimney, Remy hides in a trunk, and after a few moments, Marianne the “buxom silversmith” as she’s now described and I far prefer, comes in and hides behind some clothes. Silk enters soon after and goes hunting, and Remy IMMEDIATELY starts considering pouncing him right in the middle of the room and initiating some kisses that quickly turn into sex. Before she can enact her poorly constructed masterplan, Marianne LEAPS out at Silk like some sort of lioness and CLINGS. Remy’s whole entire sex fantasy is SHATTERED, and Silk is just stumbling around with this goth chick attached to him, not knowing WTF.
Silk: You’re supposed to wait to be found!
Marianne: BUT LET’S FUCK [clings and grinds]
Silk: No.
Marianne: [gropes his ass] C’MOOOOOON
Silk: No!
Marianne: [literally starts nuzzling his junk through his pants] C’MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNN
Silk: Fucking no! Go to the parlor and wait, you lost the game!
Marianne: [whips off her shirt]
Remy and Alix: WHAT IN THE FRESH HELL
Marianne: WANNA GET MY TITTIES CREAMY?!?!??!
Silk (and Remy and Alix in their heads): FOR THE LAST TIME, NO!
Marianne: BUT I SWALLOWED YOUR CUM!
Silk: YES AND I RECIPROCATED DID I NOT?
Marianne: OH SO IT WAS JUST A QUICKIE THEN, WAS IT?
Silk: FINALLY YOU GET IT.
Marianne: I HATE U SO MUCH AUGH [puts t-shirt on and runs off in a tantrum]
Alix sneeze-laughs and falls out of the chimney and Silk is like OF FUCKING -COURSE- YOU WERE HERE TO WATCH THAT ENTIRE DEBACLE, kisses her on the forehead, and is like “Don’t punch me, it’s the rules.” Alix responds with “I don’t give a FUCK, but if you try fucking with Chelsea or Remy, I will wear your dickskin as a hat, so help me God.” Silk says he wouldn’t ever fuck with his best mate’s woman like that and Remy is taken. Alix laughs for about a year and is like “TAKESHI DON’T HAVE SHIT, SHE JUST NEEDS MODELS”. Silk’s brain is all PROCESSING… PROCESSING, thanks her for telling him about Takeshi, and leaves.
Remy LEAPS out of the trunk, ready to kill Alix for talking shit on Takeshi. Alix is just like I COULD DO WAY BETTER THAN THAT LITTLE PUNK, not seeming to realize how hypocritical it is to call men out for thinking they could make her straight while attempting to molest her best friend into being a lesbian. Remy, for some reason, is like “FINE THEN, GO AHEAD AND KISS ME”. Alix kisses her, and is trying SO FUCKING HARD to be romantic about it and Remy breaks the kiss going “THANK YOU BUT THAT DOESN’T DO SHIT FOR ME. I LIKE MEN. I LIKE DICK. I LIKE WATCHING MEN TOUCH EACH OTHER’S DICKS, OK? OK!”
They’re all awkward and apologizing to each other for some reason and then agree to just be friends without any of this bullshit. Alix tells her to go hide and admits there was no winner’s spanking, they actually win some liquor and some magazines and lipsticks or some shit, as well as whatever Remy throws in. Remy, grumpily, is like “a fucking goddamn spanking”, which Alix is kind enough to laugh at.
Alix heads to the parlor while Remy runs off to hide again, sneaking her way into the master bedroom and hiding in the closet. Moments later, Shaun and Chelsea come tearing in and dive under the bed. Seconds later, Silk comes in, walks around the bed, and then sits on top of it. After about half a minute…
Chelsea: IS HE GONE
Shaun: YA I THINK SO
Chelsea: SHOULD WE STAY HERE, OR FIND SOMEWHERE ELSE?
Shaun: HEHEHE LET’S FUCK UNDER THE BED!
Silk: You guys, I’m on top of the bed. Let’s stop this before it gets gross.
They both crawl out, caught, and Silk tells them to head to the lounge. Chelsea, though, sweet stupid Chelsea, asks Silk where her losing kiss is. Shaun immediately starts growling like a dog and Silk is like “UM, HOW BOUT NO” but then Chelsea is kissing him as he recoils. Shaun yanks her off of him and is like WTF and she’s like CHILL I CAN GIVE HIM A LIL SMOOCH BEFORE OUR WEDDING, CHRIST ALMIGHTY, THANKS FOR THE TRUST, and they go bitching off into the lounge. Remy ALMOST gets caught by her cat showing up and swirling around her ankles going MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MUM WHERE IS MY KIBBLE MEOW MEOW MEOW as loud as he possibly can, but she manages to shoo him away.
She does her best Solid Snake impression after Silk, who is in the midst of finding Dolores hiding behind a tapestry. Silk gives her a dainty peck, and Dolores is like “that’s it?” and Silk is like “well what the fuck were you expecting, tongues?” and Dolores flat out is like “TONSILS”. Remy recoils in horror, not wanting to see if Dolores whips her tits out with a request of some cream filling, but Dolores leaves, making some quip about how Silk should come to see her when he’s done with schoolgirls and wants some age and experience. Remy’s like “pfft yeah with an absence of taste or decency”, but Silk is already off again.
Remy hauls off into the kitchen and finds Takeshi, who grabs her hand.
Takeshi: WHERE SILK.
Remy: Two floors up, just behind you.
Takeshi: LET ME WIN AND I’LL GIVE YOU A PRESENT.
Remy: Fucking… what? O-okay?
Takeshi: K THX BAI ❤
Remy goes racing down the pantry steps and SHADOW THE CAT TRIPS HER THE FUCK UP. She crashes down the stairs, cursing the day she ever brought home a stupid cat, and Silk shows up and she’s like GOD FUCKING DAMN IT. Silk is full of concern for her ankle, but she’s fine, explaining that Shadow simply tried to murder her for not being fed at exactly 4:30pm.
Silk leans in to give her the most miniscule kiss ever, rubbing her lips with his fingers before barely brushing his mouth against hers, and apparently that simple touch is enough for Remy to notice that his breath smells so much like rum it also TASTES like rum. Before he can get a good smooch in on her, Shadow full on starts attacking Remy’s foot with claws and teeth until he gets his food, and Silk goes running off again.
Remy follows, knowing what Takeshi has planned for him, and comes upon ~YAOI SCENE NUMBER 1~
Silk: Takeshi, get DOWN from on top of the taxidermied moose head, you’re out.
Takeshi: NO! ^_^
Silk: Get down here! You lost!
Takeshi: NO! YOU COME GET ME! ^_^
Silk: GET DOWN HERE.
Takeshi: NO RULES ARE YOU GOTTA KISS ME FIRST THEN I’M OUT.
Silk: It’s hide and seek, not the kissing game.
Takeshi: SILK’S TOO SCARED TO KISS A BOOOOOOY~
Silk: [glares, jumps onto the mantel next to the moose]
Takeshi: [looks directly at Remy, mouths THIS ONE’S FOR YOU!]
Takeshi: [leans down, licks lips, parts them slightly, gets a slight blush]
Takeshi: [flutters eyelashes, strokes Silk’s cheek, breathes his words] You’re trembling…
Silk: [red-faced, trembling] NUH UH SHUT UP I’M GONNA PUNCH YOUR FACE
Takeshi: [whispering] Don’t be so tsun-tsun, Silk-kun. [KISSES HIM]
Remy: [DIES]
Remy’s panties: [IRREVOCABLY FLOODED]
Silk stands there for a second, jumps backwards off the mantel, and Remy runs in all like “OH HAI DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE ONLY LULU IS LEFT TO FIND, K BYE!” and Silk leaves and she runs over to Takeshi.
Remy: HOW. WHY. HOW?
Takeshi: BECAUSE IM A FUCKING MASTER
Remy: You’re not THAT great.
Takeshi: IM HIS FIRST BOY EVERRRRRRRRR
Remy: How the fuck do you even know?
Takeshi: BECAUSE HE RAN OFF TO SULK THAT A MAN TURNED HIM ON! So how wet are your panties, sweetheart of mine?
Remy: [catches on fire] Quiet, you.
Silk goes to bed and lays there in his pajamas, going WHY DID A MAN KISSING ME MAKE ME SO ANGRY BUT ALSO SO HORNY??? ???? ??
Remy goes up to bed and gets some much needed sl- hahahaha, hell no, she’s like three fingers on her way to Orgasm Town over the Takeshi x Silk shounen-ai scene. She’s grinding the bed and moaning and from the doorway Takeshi is like “PERHAPS I CAN BE OF SOME ASSISTANCE?!?!” Remy’s like ‘eh, I dunno’ while he comes over and is smooching her neck and shoulders and shit. She’s not too into it until he starts pleading with her in Japanese, after which she is TOTALLY into it.
They start getting into it a little on the rough side and Takeshi is like REMY OPEN UP TO ME PLS T_T and both of them are getting rather raw and emotional about it.
Remy: We can do this, but no strings.
Takeshi: BUT HOW ABOUT LITTLE STRINGS THO :3 :3 :3
Remy: no takESHI DON’T SAY IT
Takeshi: AI
Takeshi: SHITERU!~ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
Remy: NO FUCK NO DON’T SAY LOVE THINGS GOD DAMN IT
Remy: UM FUCK
Remy: PLEASE TALK ABOUT YOU PUTTING IT IN SILK’S BUTT BEFORE I ADMIT I’M FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU TOO
In our next segment: The Gorgons are the worst Dracula’s Castle Vampire Sluts ever, Eloise makes a huge mistake, Shaun makes a huge mistake, Dolores is a bitch, Alix accidentally feels up Takeshi, and we get SILK AND TAKESHI COSPLAY BATTLE!!!
Garbage Romance 