It’s the home stretch, guys. Pretty soon you’ll get to stop having to read my stupid anime jokes.
Last time, the gay sex finally happened, there was gratuitous Japanese involved, there’s now a lesbian triad, and the wedding is back on because Sean and Chelsea the Most Hated had spankings and sex in the dining pavilion.
Silk, grinning like a cat what got the cream (heh), traipses up to bed and falls into a deep, dark, dreamless, post-assfucking sleep. Aww, how sweet.
He is woken, unceremoniously, three hours before the ceremony (heh heh), by none other than Chelsea and Dolores fighting again, this time over the bouquet. Dolores wants it thrown, Chelsea is having it pressed, everyone stands up to Dolores and she tries to underhand the situation by mentioning The Orange Grove Incident. Everyone snorts at her and she then counters by saying that one Major Cranthorpe, coincidentally one of the landed gentry who walked in on The Orange Grove Incident, is now TOTES her boyfriend, and she’s spent all her time at the village pub drinking and playing grab-ass with him.
Chelsea officially loses all of her shit, roasts her mother, and then calls her a Grade A bitch. While this has made me like Chelsea substantially more than I did before, I really wish she had given her another one about how Dolores can’t shut up about her ex-husband banging 19 year old hotties in the Bahamas, but is totally down with being the village bike.
Ah, well, we can’t get everything we want.
Cue everyone getting done up for the wedding. Silk is feeling apprehension about his Golden Gaytime and is worried Takeshi and Remy will fuck back off to West Hoomply, leaving him dreaming of masturbating goths with soap bars and having Japanese anime boy dick up his butt.
Remy, meanwhile, is stuck trying desperately to dress Dolores, who won’t stop bitching about how her tits aren’t firm and perky in the corset. Before Remy can tell her “that’s what happens when you get old”, Alix apparates into the room and goes “OHHHHH WE CAN JUST TAPE YOUR BOOBS WITH GAFFER TAPE!” Remy agrees, saying they used toupee tape back when she was in fashion college. Alix lets her know that gaffer tape is hyper-sticky duct tape used to tape down and protect cords during shoots and shows, and that it will hurt like twelve bitches when it gets taken off, so they both just snicker about it.
Remy goes to get dressed, and of course her dress is DRAMATIC and EDWARDIAN and BLOOD-RED. Takeshi calls up to her that the cars and carriage are there to take them to the chapel, and we get to see what the fuck he’s wearing.
“…a watermarked silk suit… soft mauve…matched with a dusky grey silk shirt”
Jesus Fuck, Takeshi. You showed up to a goth wedding in a mauve goddamn suit. What the hell. He then tells Remy that it’s a “Visual Kei” suit, because let us not forget that the woman writing this has learned everything about Japan from anime and manga. Remy then mentions Silk and suddenly Takeshi is all big-eyes and parted lips like “Whoooo? Whaaat?”, so Remy immediately deduces that THEY FUCKED AND DIDN’T TELL HER, THE BITCHES.
Now at the wedding, we get a bunch of shit that would be like 5 pages of yaoi manga close-ups on Takeshi and Silk making facial expressions. Their face journeys lead Remy to further believe that they DEFINITELY FUCKED. Meanwhile, the traditional standby of “The Wedding March” or perhaps “Pachelbel’s Canon in D” is replaced with Saint-Saien’s “Danse Macabre”, which, of course.
Remy runs out of business cards in between the ceremony and reception, because of course she does. While that’s going on, Takeshi and Silk have some makeouts in the graveyard, because, you know, of course. They discuss having a threesome, which Takeshi laughs at and insists Remy would never be into, she just wants to watch them together. Silk says the ridiculous line of “Trust me, I know women”, in regards to them ACTUALLY having an actual threesome where all three people are involved. Which… I don’t trust you, Silk. I don’t trust you at all.
The reception is given minor dues, the food is of course mentioned with detail, Dolores convinced Chelsea to throw one of the bridesmaid bouquets so that she could catch it (and then proceeded to grind her crotch on Major Cranthorpe’s knee all night), and HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS, IT’S STEVE! Remember Steve from the breakfast scene? He got mentioned again! He’s even got a last name, Evans! Remy is then apologized to by a very drunk Alix for “abandoning her”, and she stage whispers that she’s dating Marianne now. Remy just sort of pats her head and is like “good for you” and goes off to find The Yaoi Boys, who have yet again disappeared.
Well, they’re in the graveyard, making out for a crowd now. Remy is furious because she thinks she has ownership over their relationship because she set them up together. They all go to the castle, Remy catches them about to fuck, they lay her down, Takeshi enters her vagina, Silk enters Takeshi’s anus, and they all have weird but apparently satisfying sex while Remy cries about how she loves them both.
Takeshi tells her “you’d better” before they all nut, and then they make plans to buy a strap on (or… cucumber…) in the morning.
The. Fucking. End
Garbage Romance 