Hey ho, neighborinos! Are we ready for some more GOTHS AND WEEABOOS?! Fucking cheer, damn it.
So last we left our intrepid idiots, Silk was questioning his sexuality (still), Remy and Takeshi were boning (again), Dolores was revealed to be the instigator of the destruction of the wedding clothes, and Alix has dragged Lulu and Marianne back to the castle.
So now we have YET ANOTHER Remy x Takeshi lovingly crafted sex scene. Remy wakes Takeshi up by licking his tattoos, and then his asshole, and then his balls. Man, every time I have to describe their weird sex, it’s so fucking awkward. He then gets up and decides to spank her but also to take pictures of her ass (for Alix, since she still owes Alix one black and white ass photo session. Fuck this book is goofy.) That stops because she starts licking his butthole again. This devolves into some weird kink-fest where Takeshi is banging Tifa the Real Doll while Remy puts her fingers in the booty-ass and humps his leg. If I have to endure reading about this shit to summarize it in a funny way for you people, you have to endure reading me talking about it.
A floor above them, Alix wakes up in bed. With Marianne (looks like Takeshi’s plan worked!) and Lulu!
Alix then explains what the fuck happened the night before. After making it to the kitchen and fixing cocoa, Alix attempts to talk some sense into Lulu, who remember is 1. crazy and 2. currently fucked up on shrooms. Lulu babbles something and rushes outside, only to come back with a nettle. She begins to (and I apologize for all my ladies reading this) sting her own clitoris with the stinging nettle. And then leaping up and cussing for like a minute before doing it again. All the while babbling about “invoking the spirit of Cleopatra without sacrificing her vegan values by unnecessary cruelty to bees”, whilst Alix and Marianne are trying physically to stop her.
Because this is an erotica written by a sad lonely British weeaboo goth bisexual with a creepy fetish for gay men, Alix starts eating Lulu out. Because of the stinging nettle, you see, it would fix it. Let’s forget that Lulu cannot consent to this sex because she is in the midst of a shrooms trip and neither Alix nor Marianne are also tripping labes. Let’s forget that everyone has spent this entire book waving off Lulu as a crazy person and being less than kind about it. IT’S LESBIAN SEX TIME! Marianne gets pounced by the two, and they make their way upstairs for, and I have to quote this shit for you people, I’m sorry:
“a fumbling, caressing, licking, sucking, finger-fucking lust quest”
which manages to completely avoid sounding sexy and advancing directly to “goddamn fucking hilarious as shit”. Alix darts up and starts getting dressed, also remembering that she has to take pictures of Remy’s butt. Marianne sounds miffed but Alix, SUDDENLY BEHAVING LIKE HER GIRLFRIEND, DIRECTLY AFTER HAVING GIVEN HER A HUGE LECTURE ABOUT HOW ONE NIGHT OF SEX DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE DATING, reassures her that it’ll only be about forty minutes.
She heads down the hall, decides the two hotties in her bed are way more important than taking pictures of Remy’s ass (amazing how a night of sex completely eliminates a long-held dream), and heads back. Only to find fucking DOLORES in her goddamned room, while Marianne and Lulu, in Alix’s bed still, are cowering beneath the covers and clinging to each other.
Dolores demands to know where Chelsea is. Alix is like “don’t know, don’t care, probably with Shaun, they’re getting married after all, it’s not like the wedding has been called off!”, totally shading Dolores to her face because they both know who tried to destroy the wedding garb. Dolores swerves it like she was totes aware that the wedding wasn’t off, and leaves.
IN THE FORTRESS OF CONFUSED SEXUALITY AND BAD JAPANESE STEREOTYPES STOLEN FROM ANIME BY WHITE PEOPLE:
Silk wakes up and tuts over Shaun, who looks totally ill-rested and depressed. Meanwhile, Silk is 1000% certain that he is going mad because he was dreaming all night about being ass-fucked by Takeshi under cherry blossoms. He decides to quit being a mopey bitch and go roust Shaun. Shaun mopes himself, and Silk flat out hands him a roll of Velcro, tells him to fuck her like they used to before they put all this stupid pomp and circumstance on their wedding, and to get the fuck out and let him sleep (aka get the fuck out and let him fap to his anime sex dreams). Shaun leaves the room and Silk snuggles back under his blankies for more questioning his sexuality.
Now we’re back to the two most boring people in the book again, because this whole angst shit is boring. Takeshi gets all shirty and demands Remy date him EXCLUSIVELY, and she flat out is like “no, it’s sexy that you want to fuck him, keep trying to fuck him!” Takeshi gets salty as fuck, Remy calls him out on being salty cause HE wanted to fuck Silk first and Takeshi is just all NUH UH about it. Now we go on to find out that Takeshi is all fucked up about this girl, Megumi, because Takeshi was a total Nice Guy and didn’t tell her to stand up for herself against her trash boyfriend, and so Megumi ended up losing like all of her skin in a DRAMATICALLY HORRIBLE BIKE ACCIDENT because her boyfriend “forced” her to wear fishnets and skirts and ride pillion on her own bike.
Marianne interrupts the drama-fest and shades THE FUCK out of Remy for banging 2/3 of the men in the castle, then shades her for wearing only a sweater and knee-socks. Remy bites back with a bitchy little comment about how v-necks would make her look less fat, and really just punctuates that she’s a self-centered bitch in that moment, then leaves the room.
She makes her way down to the pavilion (yes, they have a fucking pavilion with big black and purple velvet tents full of Christmas lights) only to find Chelsea fucking around with literally everything in the tent, ever. Remy tells her to cut it the fuck out and go pamper herself, or go TALK TO HER FIANCE. Chelsea starts bitching that he “fucked [her] chief bridesmaid”, to which Remy counters that not only did they not touch, Chels SURE didn’t think it was “cheating” or “fucking” on her 25th birthday when she gave head to the stripper.
This bitch has spent half of this motherfucking book being a dramatic little shit about her big expensive moron goth fantasy wedding… because her fiance saw his own cousin fapping and was too drunk to realize he should look away. And she gave some random stripper head on her birthday.
I want to die.
Chelsea responds to this by babbling that she should fuck Silk. She should just go and fuck Silk since everyone else has had a go at him. Remy tells her she’s a fucking dumbass, and they turn around to see SHAUN STANDING RIGHT THERE IN THE DOORWAY OF THE TENT.
This of course leads into Shaun swaggering over, calling Chelsea’s bullshit out, her admitting to the blowjob, him sneering at her, and apparently that sneer was all it took for Chelsea’s panties to melt into jelly and Remy casually gets the fuck out of dodge. She finds Dolores on the way, and is like OH YES LET US GO DISCUSS YOUR WEDDING OUTFIT, IN MY WORKROOM, AWAY FROM THE TENT WHERE THE SPANKING AND MOANING NOISES ARE COMING FROM!!!
Now we zoom to Takeshi, who is whining because he told Remy about Megumi, and is whining because he REALLY REALLY REALLY wants to make the buttsex with Silk, but is threatened by him. He goes to do some work on his laptop in the deserted kitchen. THIS SOUNDS LIKE A SETUP, FOLKS.
Shaun has released Chelsea from her Velcro-y hold, and ofc because SEX FIXES EVERYTHING INCLUDING INFIDELITY, they’re all snuggly and back to normal, like happy about-to-be-newlyweds should be. Shaun, however, has some Man Things to do, and so he takes leave of his waifu to do Man Things.
The Man Things are Shaun going to Silk and going “dude what in the everloving fuck is wrong with you, you look like you have the old medieval diagnosis of ‘melancholy’ and should be bled with leeches to cast the devil out of you.” Silk is like “no, leave me, I am wasting away and should not trouble you with my petty mortal problems on this, the day of your wedding”. Shaun snaps at him to fucking man up, go fuck whomever is causing the problem, and quit moping like a bitch, because he’s supposed to be the sexy smiling Lestat of their goth cadre. Silk responds that it’s not that easy (BUT HE’S A BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY) and Shaun is like “bitch you are an easy lil slut and it is ALWAYS that easy with you, GO FUCK WHOMEVER IT IS AND QUIT BEING A SAD BITCH”.
This is a pause for me applauding Shaun and awarding him the “finally fortified himself” award for absolutely shading Silk’s dramatic bullshit. Brava, my boy.
So as Silk begins to walk, he realizes that, ACTUALLY, YES, IT -CAN- BE THAT SIMPLE AND EASY. He keeps questioning himself because he seems to think you approach gay sex differently from straight sex. As he broods broodily, he finds his way to the deserted kitchen where Takeshi has a note saying “fuck off, I’m working” on the door. WELL FUCKIN IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN M’BOY.
Silk downs a couple glasses of sherry from the sideboard by the door, and marches in, then flows fluidly in a flowing watery fashion to Takeshi’s side. All throaty and shit, Silk is like “Takeshi… we need to talk.”
Takeshi’s response? “BITCH YOU NEED TO TALK, I NEED TO WORK, SO FUCKING TALK, I AM 1000% OVER YOUR FUCKING BULLSHIT, DUDE.”
This is me applauding Takeshi and handing him the Crowning Moment of Awesome award.
So now they devolve into this rolling ball of sexuality, knocking shit all over the room, and deciding “you know now is the time where I explain just what my problem with you is.” Takeshi admits that he’s threatened Silk will steal Remy away, Silk admits that he’s shit terrified of not being the dominant one because he has zero fucking idea how to do gay shit. Takeshi has the realization that he’s gotta be the seme in this uke x seme hentai bullshit, and is like “wow I was scared of this poor woobie”, while Silk is like “oh my god how do i put a condom on another man he must think i am a fucking idiot”. THIS IS FUCKING PRECIOUS OK.
Silk realizes “ok, so I’m balls deep in a Japanese boy’s ass, laying atop the kitchen table, in a kitchen. That’s my fetish, and I am five thousand percent not going to admit it to myself or anyone else right now, so I’m just gonna go with the flow.” He comes, Takeshi jumps off, and is like IM GONNA PUT IT IN YA BUNS. Silk… reasonably freaks out and is like UHM THE BIGGEST THING THAT HAS EVER BEEN UP MY BUTT WAS A V. SMALL VIBRATOR, PLS DON’T. Takeshi gets the nearest thing to lube, which is a spray can of fucking PAM, oil Silk’s butt, stretches it with fingers, and goes to town. And so finally the two idiot bisexuals in this book have had sex.
*sets off fireworks*
Of course, because we CANNOT for a moment forget that the author has a huge fetish for Japanese men, we get everyone’s favorite: GRATUTIOUS JAPANESE!
“Omae wa ore no mono desu. Kore kara zutto…itsumademo.”
Which, according to Google Translate, means “You belong to me. Now and forever… forever”. Also it’s a sentence that doesn’t really sound like someone would say it? It’s like something out of an anime or a manga. V. dramatic.
Well kids, we’ve got one more chapter left!
Garbage Romance 