Well, here we go again with this absolute bollocks.
Alix returns to the castle and Remy, who was busy peeing herself in terror, leaps on her and babbles about Takeshi being okay. Alix flat-out ignores her and goes to make a bigass cup of hot chocolate. When Remy finally DOES badger her into talking, Alix rips into her for not thinking before she does shit, especially like playing house with some dude, and then immediately turning around and banging some OTHER dude.
Remy has barely any time for shame before Eloise comes bolting in, freaking out that the entire dressing room has been totally trashed. As everyone stumbles their way there, Remy’s blood pressure skyrocketing, Eloise starts babbling about how she never MEANT for Shaun to be in the room, obviously feeling like shit.
They get there and the place is a total wreck, with Chelsea at the center, weeping over Shaun’s coat. While the rest of everyone else shows up, Chelsea shows Remy the damage: WANKER painted across the back of the groom’s coat.
Sev, creeping out of the shadows like a freakin vampire, emerges with Shaun’s shirt, a huge heart shape slashed in the front. While Remy is initially suspicious of Chels and Sev, Sev explains that Chelsea had been whinging on and on and ON AND ON about seeing her dress ~*~*~*~**~*FOR THE LAST TIME~*~**~*~*~*~*~* and they found the entire thing gone to shit.
Eloise tries, in her dippy way, to explain that of COURSE she and Shaun should still get married, it wasn’t as though they were going to run off together. Chelsea smacks her and Eloise, now howling, is like I WAS RIDING SILK’S FACE AND SILK GOT UP AND WAS BEING DOMINANT AND SO I KEPT TOUCHIN AND THEN SHAUN WALKED IN AND HONESTLY IT’S SUPER EMBARASSING BECAUSE HE’S MY FUCKING COUSIN????????????
And Chelsea realizes “oh I’ve been quite a dramatic little shit this entire time” and forgives her and apologizes and there’s lots of crying and Alix, God bless her,
‘Glad that’s sorted’ muttered Alix. ‘It’s like a soap opera around here.’
They begin to Scooby Squad about who could have possibly done this, and everyone is like DOLORES. DOLORES DID THE THING. DOLORES IS BASICALLY WALKING PINK EVIL. SHE’S LIKE A DRUNKER PROFESSOR UMBRIDGE. IN FACT THEY BOTH HAVE THE SAME FIRST NAME. ARE WE SURE YOUR MUM ISN’T PROFESSOR UMBRIDGE, CHELS? Chelsea dismisses it, though, as her mother has gotten a room at the village pub a few miles away, and it would be a big gigantic hassle to get to the castle without people knowing about it. Plus, both Chelsea’s wedding dress AND Dolores’ now-beloved outfit were both on the floor.
So, this leaves Lulu and Marianne, as everyone else is accounted for. Sev panics at the idea of Lulu being THAT fucking crazy, and the group helps Remy clean up.
Meanwhile, in the Fortress of Confused Sexuality, we get a lovingly crafted scene of Silk having a fap. Which immediately turns into him fantasizing about Takeshi. Dude gets totally into it, “imagines” Takeshi’s finger in his butt, and comes. Then, when he opens his eyes, the FUCKING DOOR TO HIS ROOM IS SWINGING OPEN. HE THEN LITERALLY TELLS HIMSELF “OH I WAS JUST FANTASIZING THAT GOOD” AND GOES TO CLEAN UP AND GO TO BED. IDK ABOUT THAT, SILK, OL BUDDY, OL PAL.
Alix goes about trying to find Marianne, and goes into Takeshi’s room, where Marianne had been sorting her stuff. She finds no sign of the woman, but immediately goes over and starts molesting the Tifa RealDoll. She’s totally entranced by the idea of a totally anatomically accurate doll, is boggled by the pubic hair, and then, with slight shifty-eyes, starts fisting the doll. While she’s marveling at the fact that the doll has a lovingly-crafted vagina interior, Takeshi walks in:
Takeshi:
Alix:
Takeshi:
Alix: …
Takeshi: … are you molesting my doll?
Alix: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE
Takeshi: …this is my room. Did you break into my room to molest my doll?
She explains that someone ruined Shaun’s coat, and she wants to eliminate Marianne from the running. Takeshi asks why on earth Marianne would ruin Shaun’s coat, and Alix suggests that maybe she thought it was Silk’s. Takeshi seems to accept this, and then hands over the SD card with Marianne’s photoshoot on it.
Alix starts going through it and HOLY MOLY, BBW LESBIAN x DOLL BDSM PHOTOSHOOT. Alix has an aneurysm and is like “UH WAS I MEANT TO SEE THESE” and Takeshi is like “Oh yeah, I told her I was gonna give them to you. I think she likes you. Anyways, she wants someone to love her and treat her right, and you want someone to cuddle. You’ll do good.” Alix is like PFFT IT IS NEVER THAT EASY and Takeshi, no fucking lie, strokes the goddamn sex doll’s face and is like “It is if you want it to be. Close the door on your way out.” Alix, prudently, gets the fuck out of dodge.
Detective Alix, Lesbian Photographer At Large, searches the entire castle without finding Marianne OR Lulu. She decides to go searching the grounds, cursing herself for not bringing a flashlight. Thinking she sees something, she calls out for Lulu, and sees a white figure go rushing off. Alix takes off after her and finds her, luckily. And Marianne! What are they doing, you ask? Oh, they’re bare-ass naked, crawling all over an old fairy-tale looking well, smeared with dirt.
Alix: …
Alix: wtf ru doing
Marianne: We’re consulting Myfanwy, the Lady of the Well!
Alix: …
Alix: …okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Marianne: It’s Walpurgis Night!
Alix: …yes. Yes it is Walpurgis Night, Marianne. You’re very astute.
Marianne: If I petition her and anoint myself with water from her well, she will help me gain my heart’s desire!
Alix: …is that so
Marianne: Yes! Lulu said so. But the bucket is stuck.
Alix:
Alix:
Alix: did you just tell me out loud that you -trusted Lulu on a thing-?
Marianne: Eh?
Alix: Wait. WAIT A FUCKING SECOND. Myfanwy? Mi-van-wee? THAT’S FUCKING WELSH.
Marianne: What?
Alix: WE ARE NOWHERE NEAR FUCKING WALES, MARIANNE.
Alix: WHY WOULD A FUCKING WELSH GODDESS HAVE A SACRED WELL IN SOMEPLACE WAY FUCKING FAR AWAY FROM WALES, MARIANNE.
Marianne: stop yelling at me 
Alix: I am considering which one of you to drown first.
Lulu: [begins to lick herself clean, like a cat]
Alix: Which one of you fucked up the clothes?
Marianne: It was just Silk’s stuff!
Alix: Jesus H Christ, are you still on about this?
Marianne: BUT WE HEARD HIM FUCKING REMY D: D: D:
Alix: Okay, listen to me. Shut up. Shut up about Silk. He is not your boyfriend. He was never going to be your boyfriend. Get over it. And also you didn’t fuck up Silk’s clothes, you fucked up Shaun’s. Good job.
Marianne: [tears up]
Alix: …Lulu. Lucrecia. Lulu what are you doing?
Lulu: [licking self clean like cat intensifies]
Alix: Did she eat shrooms?
Marianne: No. Maybe. Yeah.
Marianne: Also, Dolores told us what Silk’s clothes looked like!
Alix: [aneurysm gets ever closer to bursting] Let’s go inside and have hot chocolate. That’s my remedy for fucking every stupid ass thing that happens in this book. Marianne: What about Lulu?
Lulu: OH LADY MYFANWY, BLESSED OF THE MOON, GIVER OF THE WATERS-
Alix: [literally starts dragging her back to the castle by her hair]
Meanwhile, in a totally boring scene, Remy and Takeshi have makeup sex and fall asleep next to each other. Awwwwwh.
IN OUR NEXT CHAPTER: The wedding gets fixed, people start sorting out relationships, and DOLORES IS BACK AND READY TO FUCK SHIT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP
Garbage Romance 