Welcome back to Garbage Romance, the place where I read terrible books and then make fun of them.
Today will start our foray into “Rich, Radiant Love”. A book that was part of a birthday gift from my dear friend over at Bespectacled Bento, it has become an immediate favorite due to the incredibly weird and rather romantic author’s dedication to her own cat, which can be read here. The last book in a four book series, “Rich, Radiant Love” manages to contain only a tenuous understanding of history, a bunch of pirates, romance book tropes out the nose, and so many eye-rollingly terrible bits that I can’t even begin to describe them here.
Oh, and the RHYMING VERSE. Each chapter begins with a really awful rhyming verse that I’m certain the author thinks are very clever. They’re not. They’re bad.
The book begins in “Old New York”, February of 1672, and we are treated to the first of the rhyming verse:
The devious plan of a devious man
Could sweep her world away
But she’s a wily wench herself
And yet may win the day!
Told you how quality that shit is!
We start up with a golden-haired Dutch guy with a Van Dyke pointed moustache and goatee combo, which DISTINCTLY is described as making him look like a blond Satan. I’m imagining him as Evil!Miguel from “Road to El Dorado”. He’s lurking in a tavern, drinking and waiting for someone. A lot of adjectives about the setting later and we’re greeted by the woman, Erica Hulft, who is wearing apricot velvets with matching gloves, and has “fox-colored” hair.
Now, I would like you guys to note here: never fucking ONCE is her hair described as ANYTHING other than “fox-colored”. Not russet, not titian, not chestnut, not copper, not fire, no, just “fox-colored” over and over and over again, ad nauseum. So Erica has fox-colored hair and you guys just have to deal with the fact that I’m imagining her with a wig made out of fox fur because what the fuck even.
They have some “witty” banter, and Nicholas van Rappard, the aforementioned Evil Miguel, drops the news that his uncle, the owner of the Wey Gat/Windgate estate and lands, had a daughter who had survived and was now living as a minor heiress to a plantation in Bermuda. Erica craps her apricot velvets because her sugar daddy, one BRETT DANFORTH (I will refer to him in ALL CAPS every single time to EMPHASIZE THE MANLINESS OF HIS NAME), purchased the estate after the uncle’s death, but before Nicholas himself to ship his ass over to “Old New York” and stake his claim. Her big fancy castle house that she gets to live in no matter HOW much she cheats on BRETT DANFORTH because he always forgives her is NOW IN DANGER.
Erica finds out her shitty drunkard brother knew first and sold the information for drinking money to Nicholas, and she is Mega Pissed, since the guy is obviously a threat to her big fancy castle. He promises to tell her his plans (as fuckin’ if) and they can do a little bit of the bedroom wango tango.
Five trillion fire, fox, and gold related adjectives later, they have had sex, and Erica has learned approximately jack shit. Over breakfast the next morning, Nicholas tells her that he told her so that she could tell BRETT DANFORTH, because the girl was a threat to both of them, thinking he would eliminate her if Erica suggests. He also straight tells Erica that she will catch his hands around her throat if her brother tells BRETT DANFORTH first, because her idiot brother would tell him to dump his sister and go marry the 14 year old in Bermuda. They agree, and Erica goes straight to her brother to find out the girl’s name: Anna Smith. HOW CREATIVE.
Chapter two comes around and we get this verse:
Manors and mansions and vast estates,
Every day dressed for a ball!
Yet to be the first in her lover’s heart
Young Anna would trade them all!
Body o’ me, what a verse that is.
Anna is introduced, and of course, she is whiter than white, with blonde hair and blue eyes and mildly tan skin like she’s exotic and worldly. She rides on a grey horse and there’s a thousand adjectives about her dress, hat, gloves, and boots. We get the first mention of one of Anna’s “servants” here. See, Anna has a lot of “servants” who we by any other name would call “slaves”, even despite the fact that the author did a bunch of work trying to make a Caribbean plantation in the late 1600’s not racist by whitewashing the entire cast, save like three slaves who are actually black. Of course they are always Uncle Remus-tier cheery and just so God damn fucken happy to be waiting hand and foot on Miss Aryan Princess 1673, every one of them.
We get some shit about how Anna’s adopted mom died and left her the Woman of the House and her adopted dad was priming her to take over the plantation and estate when he dies. She has to get married to someone to secure heirs, and she starts considering the different boys on the island. She goes over a few, implies one of them fucks his horse, and then opts for this guy Arthur, who has a “half-cruel” smile. You know, a thing that is never creepy or uncomfortable-making or a red flag or a warning sign. She starts riding off towards the estate of his family, as he’s a Boston lad visiting the island.
Anna leaves her estate on her horse, and there’s a carriage in the way. A woman who is obviously Erica from the description starts asking her some questions. Anna answers, Erica acts like a vague bitch while fingering a pink pearl necklace, and then leaves. Anna has no idea what the fuck, and continues towards Arthur’s family’s estate, only to be accosted by one of her really boring and uninteresting Many Suitors.
As they ride, we get some backstory from Anna. Claes, the aforementioned brother of Erica, showed up on the island when Anna was about seven, and she was living with her last family relation, her late aunt. Claes rushes over, makes some comments about how big Anna has gotten, and hits her aunt up for money. They argue, her aunt mentioning some sort of silver necklace with pink pearls that she gave him previously, and he says the money from that is all gone. Her aunt takes the girl home, shows her the one last treasure she has of Anna’s real mother: a sapphire and gold ring, and then takes it to give it to Claes for reasons Anna can’t figure out.
Erica opts to leave, letting Anna stay on the island forever so she can never be a problem for her… and we’re done with the intro!
Shit gets crazy starting next chapter. Stay tuned!
Garbage Romance 