Slamma lamma ding dong, beezies, and welcome back to Goth Drama Castle! In our last segment, Remy got some models in the forms of Takeshi, a real life anime, and Marianne, his curvalicious jeweler friend. We were introduced to Dolores, Chelsea the bride’s perpetually drunk mother who literally looks like this:
and also we got to watch Dolores and Chelsea have a minor hissy fit at each other re: goth wedding in a chapel surrounded by a graveyard. Silk was described by Dolores as being out of “Beyblade” (and take another look at that pic of Dolores, and infer just how much a dude must look like a real-life anime when THAT LADY says it). Alix the redheaded photographer gropes Remy’s ass a bit, finds that Takeshi brought Tifa Lockheart the RealDoll with him to the wedding, and we are on to our next segment!
Remy can barely sleep because she lacks a door to her room, and is certain Takeshi the Anime is going to sneak into her room and just start poking away with his wang. She wakes up from fitful sleep to hear some bullshit going on downstairs, so she puts on literally just a big sweater and some thigh socks and goes downstairs. No pants or anything, just a sweater and socks.
She peeks into the half-open bathroom and sees Shaun, the raven-haired goth groom, puking madly into the toilet. Someone holds back his hair and we get OUR FIRST GLIMPSE OF SILK THE REAL LIFE ANIME BOY!
Silk, she realised, staring, – blond, angular and demonically gorgeous. Dolores hadn’t been exaggerating. He could have passed for one of the Daoine Sidhe, the legendary fairy nobility. You could get drunk just looking at him. Right now, just his oceans of long hair had her transfixed.
Okay, so, we can infer from Dolores being right that he looks like an anime and Remy’s insistence that he literally looks like a fairy with land titles, he’s probably pretty hot. But then, Remy decides to tell us just how much she likes dudes with long hair. OMG, YOU GUYS. HAIR ON BOOBS? HAIR ON THIGHS? WHILE SEX OCCURS? Aces. Fucking aces. This was just all a preface to tell us that Silk’s hair , even with the last few feet of it braided, reaches the backs of his knees. I have no idea how I could keep all that hair untangled, but hell, this is a book and he’s literally an IRL animu so who cares.
Remy, being Remy, immediately starts drooling over his coat, which is the color of a coffee bean and a little shimmery, like it’s very short pile velvet. She gets a lady boner at the idea of touching the coat while he’s wearing it and then touching his dick right after, and the dumbshit is so caught up in her fantasy, she whispers “EXQUISITE” as loud as humanly possible, so OF COURSE Silk looks up and sees her and gives her a kinda grin and a nod like “thanks, girl who’s not wearing pants”. Remy’s reaction is to cream her panties and tear off up the stairs to have a wank in the bedroom with no door on it, but can’t help but think about how Takeshi is going to “have kittens” when he sees Silk, which is the best phrase. I mean, I’ve heard it before and I know it means that he’ll go absolutely apeshit, but Takeshi is the one character who I could see spontaneously giving birth to a kitten in surprise.
The kitten would obviously have blue fur, before you ask.
Remy wakes the next morning and has a shower and gets dressed (with pants on this time), but straight up puts on a lace-trim crop top because GOTTA SHOW OFF THE GOODS TO ATTRACT ANIME DICK. She reaches the kitchen and OH THANK HOLY GOD, CHELSEA HAS A REDEEMING MARK! She knows how to cook, and from the smell, it’s full English. Which means eggs, bacon, sausages, fried bread, grilled mushrooms and tomatoes, and LOTS OF GRAVY. Fuck yeah.
She sits between Alix and Takeshi, who are eying each other and probably growling like two puppies daring one another to grab a chew bone. Alix offers her some cereal, but she turns it down in favor of ACTUAL FOOD. Dolores, who is literally picking at a tiny bowl of strawberries for her breakfast does some RIDICULOUS EYEROLL BULLSHIT about her daughter deciding that you should eat real food instead of 35 calories worth of strawberries. Dolores, you are winning most hated character right now. Also, she has her fanciest eye makeup and lipstick on.
Remy’s like UGH SHE GOT SLUTTED UP FOR SILK and then looks down at her crop top and is like “I’m an idiot.” Silk shows up and is wearing some clothes, hooray. It’s really not important except for the fact that the shirt is tight enough to show off the EXQUISITE SIX-PACK Silk has. Also his hair is in mostly a braid but he left little bits out to frame his face, because he’s metrosexual or something. Dudes rarely show this much foresight into their hair.
Remy starts running her index finger over her lips while staring at him, and then only notices she’s giving “I wanna give you a blow job” signals when she sees Dolores drunkenly trying to fix her hair. She decides to look at Takeshi instead, who is sitting there with this face O_O. She’s like “your eyes are popping out” and he’s like THAT AIN’T THE ONLY THING and straight up puts her hand on his pants tent and is like PLEASE PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS NOT JUST A WET DREAM AND THAT HE IS A REAL PERSON and she just pats his thigh.
Takeshi: [whispering] omfg omfg omfg remyyyyyyyyyyyy look at his nails they’re all long and sharp and lacquered and OMFG I WANT HIM TO SCRATCH ME WITH THEMMMMMM O_O
Remy: [practically orgasms while clawing Takeshi’s thigh to death while staring at Silk’s nails]
She notices one of the nails on his left hand is filed down and she’s like HMM WHY HOW STRANGE, which is not strange at all because she starts thinking about him fingering her if he cut his nails and DOESN’T PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER. That’s his banging finger, obviously.
Chelsea asks him from the kitchen if he and Shaun had a good night, and Silk lies about how good Shaun was and how he totally didn’t even drink at all. Chelsea’s like “yeah right you lil shit” but sounds like she believes it. Silk then looks up and says good morning to everyone, giving Remy a wink. Remy’s logical response isn’t to wink back, or look demure, or blush, but to yell out “I NEED SOME MODELS” and then look around at everyone expectantly. Marianne, who’s entered with the platter of meats, mumbles vaguely, Chelsea comes in with the eggs and veg, and they start to chow.
Takeshi: [pokes a thing on his plate] [pokes] [pokes more]
Remy: Takeshi, wtf.
Takeshi: What IS this? [poke poke poke]
Remy: Blood sausage.
Takeshi: BLOOD SAUSAGE?!
Remy: CALM DOWN. It’s congealed blood and fat.
Takeshi: [puts a bit on fork] [smells it] [sniffs it] [licks it] [eats a bit]
Takeshi: Vampire food isn’t too bad I guess.
Silk asks Chelsea when the Gorgons are going to show up, to which everybody forkdrops and is like THE FUCKIN -WHO-? Chelsea’s like “Oh, later, they’re at the dentists having their fangs put in” and Takeshi is like “F-FUCKIN WHAT FANGS WHAT FANGS? THE VAMPIRE JOKE WAS A JOKE”. Chelsea explains the Gorgons are her bridesmaids, their dad, Shaun’s dad, and “Steve” (there has not been a Steve in the story yet, so I have no idea who Steve is and I don’t think Steve is mentioned again) were in a band together. Silk then explains that they’re called the Gorgons because the three of them dressed up like Medusa, Euryale, and Stheno for a Halloween party at age nine and ended up scaring the absolute shit out of the rest of the kids.
“Nine year olds, period, terrify me,” said Alix. She licked a smear of marmalade from her fingertip.
“Who did you go as?” Chelsea asked, ignoring her.
“Dorian Gray.”
How cool are you? Remy thought.
I’m sorry, but any dude who willingly goes as Dorian Gray without some sort of a cute gimmick screams “self-important douchehole”. “Oh yes, I’m dressed as a man who is immortal and beautiful and literally everyone wants him.” Gag.
Remy says that when the Gorgons get there, she’ll need to see them for final fittings, as well as everyone but Chelsea. Chelsea, not getting the point, is like OH NO I WANT TO COME TRY ON MY DRESS AGAIN AND SHOW OFF and Remy is thinking “bitch, I have fittings for like seven people still to do, not Let’s Play Dress Up With Chelsea”. Dolores immediately smiles, trying to put on the charm since Silk is in the room, and Remy notices her stupid strawberries fucked up her fancy lipstick something awful. It immediately ends up with a fight between Chelsea and Dolores because Dolores wants to wear her hideous pink getup and Chelsea wants her to just shut the fuck up and go with the flow. Everyone has stopped eating to watch the fight by this point. Remy stands up and is like LET’S GO DO THE FUCKING FITTINGS, SHALL WE, DOLORES, DOWNSTAIRS, AWAY FROM THE DRAMA?????
Remy’s rightfully irritated that she was only halfway through breakfast before she had to smack down some bullshit. She gets Dolores into a boned corset and a long skirt, after setting up a screen of clothing racks for her, because even though they’re both women and Remy could not care less, Dolores apparently can’t let her see her in her bra and panties.
Remember that bit, because it becomes hilarious later on.
Dolores loves the way the corset makes her tits look (doesn’t everyone) but decides to have a rant about how Chelsea’s dad is too busy fucking 17 year old girls in the Bahamas or something, which Remy could not give less of a shit about. She gets Dolores all set up, suggests a red manicure instead of pink, and Dolores again bitches about YOUTHS and GOTHS.
Dolores hangs around for another half hour, obviously waiting for Silk, until she leaves. Remy is waiting for him too, but after an hour of him not showing, she decides to go peel Shaun out of bed so she can fit his suit. She wakes him up, gets the room aired out, and throws Shaun in the bathroom with a cup of coffee to wash up. Silk finally shows up and Remy’s first response is YOUR ROOM SMELLED LIKE PUKE, SO I OPENED THE WINDOW, I NEED TO FIT YOU. Brilliant.
Shaun comes back out, still looks like shit, so she’s like JUST SHOWER, COME DOWN WHEN YOU’RE DONE, SILK COME WITH ME. They go downstairs, she prays to God that he’s staring at her ass, and they make it into the workroom. She pulls out his outfit and he’s drooling over them going “WOW YOU MADE THESE?” and she’s like “Uh yeah, try them on” so he just drops trou right the fuck there. Remy is ladybonering all over the place and insists on putting the shirt and waistcoat on him herself, pretending to straighten it and tuck it here and there like a professional, but she and we all know she’s fondling him, and Silk is smirking like he knows it too. She takes one look at him without the coat and runs and grabs The Coachman’s Coat, a wool coat that she made that is her favorite. She has constructed elaborate fantasies around this coat involving quaint country cottages in the winter with pretty winter gardens and making snow angels and all sorts of Jane Austen shit.
It looks fabulous on him, of fucking course, but she turns into a NUTTER suddenly. She fusses over it incessantly. The hem is a quarter inch too long? SEAM RIPPER THE FUCKING BITCH AND PIN IT THE FUCK UP TO SIZE. THE COAAAAT. THE FUCKIN COAT. Remy starts babbling at him in an attempt to not look like a weirdo freak. They talk about how long he’s known Shaun, she talks about how she left her groom at the altar because her fiance was actually her mom and dad’s choice and a total milksop. Silk is like HA HA HA I WILL NEVER COMMIT TO ANYONE PERMANENTLY and checks himself out in the mirror.
Silk adds his leather gloves and pocket watch to the outfit and Remy practically comes right the fuck there. He offers her a hand up from the floor where she was pinning the coat hem and yanks her up into him. Remy looks at him, breathless, cheeks flushed. Right up against them. She could say anything to him right now, anything at all! “Take me, Silk”. “I’m yours”. “Let’s fuck!”.
“Will you model for me, please?”
FUCKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN NAILED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He’s like “what do I get out of it” and she’s like “well what do you want out of it, huh” and he’s like “OH HO HO LOTS OF THINGS” but then Shaun flies in to cockblock and is like HOLY SHIT SILK YOU LOOK FUCKING AWESOME OMFG REMY DRESS ME UP TOO 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 OMG THIS IS SO AWESOME HUH SILK but by that point, Silk disappeared out of the room.
Silk is hiding in the stairwell with a boner, still wearing the clothes Remy put on him. He’s like HOLY GOD I WANNA STICK IT UP IN THAT GIRL. He marches into the kitchen and dumps his normal clothes on the table, hunting for chocolate. Because, apparently, chocolate was the only thing that would substitute to him for sex. He pilfers like half a Dairy Milk bar from the fridge, wolfs it down, goes to the kitchen dresser, pours a shot of scotch, and downs it. Meanwhile, Marianne mooncalfs her way in and sighs with massive irritation because some jackhole stole half her Dairy Milk!
Silk slips into view and is like “Sorry I ate your candy” and she’s like “OH IT’S YOU TEE HEE HEE HEE IT’S OKAY PLS HAVE MORE CHOCOLATE”. He lets her hand feed him, licks her thumb, and kisses his way up her arm to her shoulder. He’s like “I feel like the worst Gomez Addams impression ever” but Marianne is quickly melting into a girl puddle and he’s like “welp it worked”. They make introductions, end up in the pantry, she gives him head, and then he fingerbangs her. After they both get off, he notices she’s clinging to him, like, literally clinging. All the alarms in his head go off and he’s like I HAVE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE.
In our next installment: The Gorgons arrive, Silk hasn’t given the clothes back and is also a Peeping Tom, Takeshi makes a huge mistake, lots of people’s pasts coming back to haunt them, and cosplay in a castle. Yes, cosplay.
Garbage Romance 