WELCOME BACK, FRIENDS, TO OVERDRAMATIC GOTH CASTLE!
Last segment we got to endure more of Dolores, nobody got to properly enjoy breakfast, Silk stole clothes from Remy while getting a boner, and then proceeded to fingerbang the cute kinda chubby one in a pantry, only to notice afterwards that she’s a bit clingy.
Remy finishes dressing Shaun the Cockblocker, and then traipses out with Alix and Takeshi for some catalogue shooting. Takeshi, of fucking course, is a photographers DREAM. He mugs for the camera and pours on the wounded machismo bullshit and Alix is just eating it up. While Remy gets him dressed in the final outfit, she notices his nipples are hard from the wind, and because Remy is Remy, she goes glassy-eyed and starts drooling to suck on them. He’s like “your hands are cold” and presses them against his neck. Suddenly, it turns into a fuckin romance anime scene, where he’s leaning in close at a weird angle looking into her eyes and asking her if she wants to go back to his room, and pretty much the only thing missing is a kiss and the cherry blossoms flying through the air.
Their big derp fantasy gets shattered by the sound of Alix folding up her equipment and bitching about how she’s bored and dressing up your boyfriend for pictures isn’t going to get people to buy your products. Luckily for EVERYONE, the Master of Advertisement, Takeshi, is here to fix that for us.
Takeshi: DO A COSPLAY.
Remy: Fucking what?
Takeshi: MAKE A CENTERFOLD THING IN THE CATALOGUE MIDDLE AND IT CAN BE COSPLAY!!!
Remy: …please try to explain to me in simple words why in fuck you think your idiot idea will work?
Takeshi: BECAUSE SILK LOOKS LIKE SEPHIROTH IRL!
Alix:
Alix:
Remy:
Remy:
Remy: You’re an idiot.
Takeshi: COME ONNNNNNNNN! I’LL LET YOU BORROW TIFA AND-
Alix: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a weirdo nerd? Because you are.
Takeshi: SHUT UP. SHAUN HAS BLACK HAIR!!!!
Remy: Yes he does, dear, you’re quite astute.
Takeshi: SEE?! HE COULD BE VINCENT VALENTINE! IT’S GOING TO BE SICK AS FUCK!!!
Alix: …actually, Remy, it would be pretty striking, and your clothes WOULD suit. As much as I hate to admit this, the blue-haired one might actually be RIGHT.
Remy: FOR FUCK’S SAKE YOU TWO. How the hell am I even supposed to convince Silk to dress up like FUCKING SEPHIROTH.
Alix: Give him a blowjob? Fuck, I dunno, I don’t know how straight people function.
Takeshi: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF HOW ABOUT YOU FUCKIN GIVE HIM HEAD, ALIX, YOU DUMB IDIOT JERKFACE BITCHWAD, DON’T TELL MY NOT-GIRLFRIEND WHAT TO DO!!!!
Alix: Because I’d rather deepthroat a shotgun. Remember, lesbian? Do they not have those where you come from? Or where Chelsea comes from? How come you fuckers don’t understand the basic concept of what a lesbian is?
Remy: WHOA WHOA, HOLD THE PHONE HERE. Takeshi, don’t talk shit. How about YOU go suck his dick, how about that?
Takeshi: I’D LOVE TO but he’s straighter than straight.
Remy:
Alix:
Remy:
Alix:
Remy and Alix: You’re fucking joking.
Takeshi: He’s so fucking straight, he probably craps out star-shaped poops cause his butthole is so tight. Like a frosting bag.
Remy: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Takeshi: NO SHHH JUST LISTEN TO ME. He does the pretty boy thing because ladies don’t find him threatening that way, thus he is like SWIMMING in pussy.
Remy: [nearly starts crying]
Remy: [watches as her fantasies of Silk and Takeshi fucking go up in flames]
Takeshi: I bet you like fifty bucks he’s gonna fuck 80% of the castle by the end of this wedding.
Remy: YEAH AND YOU’LL HAVE SLEPT WITH 0%, JERKFACE DREAM-RUINER
Takeshi: Nah, I already slept with you.
Takeshi: [SMUG. FUCKING. FACE.]
Remy: …I hate you so much.
Takeshi: Also, I’m totally gonna fuck him. Are you kidding me? I’mma be all UP in them tight lil pants. Aww yeee.
Remy: BUT YOU LITERALLY JUST GAVE ME A TALK ABOUT HOW HE WOULD NEVER EVER TOUCH A DUDE
Takeshi: Who said I play by the rules? [puts on sunglasses, moonwalks into the castle]
As they walk up back to the castle, they see the goth-girliest hearse parked in the driveway possible. Lace and satin curtains and doilies and all sorts of shit. The main hallway inside is full of squawking, stuffed with suitcases, and somebody’s sexy panties are littered all over the stairway. Remy, Alix, and Takeshi are basically like “wat”, stow Alix’s gear, and return to the entryway to the delightful sounds of the Gorgons arguing over who’s underpants are all over the stairs now.
And here we meet Eloise, Gorgon 2. Bony, pale, pretty in a sort of creepy way, with her brand new porcelain fangs installed. She does introductions, notices Takeshi’s blue hair and his whole being Japanese thing, and they proceed to have a conversation about Japanese pop culture that basically sounds like this:
Did you watch it? Did it make any sense? No? Good! Excellent. That’s what we want. Remy and Alix are right there with you.
Severina, or Sev as she’s more often called, comes downstairs, and it’s revealed that the Gorgons are IVF identical triplets. Sev is Gorgon 1. The numbers have absolutely nothing to do with birth order, but levels of crazy. Sev is the most normal of the three, lacking the fake fangs and ostentatious getups, dressing more like Wednesday Addams. Eloise is the middle nutter, and Lucretia, or Lulu, is Queen Batshit of Nutcake Mountain. Lulu is also hilarious.
Takeshi escapes the crowd of strange women and hides by a window. Of course, the mention of GIRUGAMESH and SMILE.DK and GAYMEN brings back Painful Memories of His Past (TM). Neon in the night, pale girls in high heels and miniskirts, the sounds of motorcycle tires peeling out. MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMORIESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, ALL ALONE IN THE NEONLIIIIIIIIGHT~
He continues moping for another page about how life was totes hard working for the yakuza and how he didn’t come to the castle to do anything but bang Remy into oblivion and he mopes about how she wants Silk’s dick. But then he’s forced to deal with the fact that he also kind of REALLY REALLY wants Silk’s dick too. His resolution is to seduce Silk and get him to have sex with him, so that Remy won’t break up with him for Silk. Make sense? Yeah, didn’t think so.
Takeshi wanders off to enact his Brilliant Plan (TM), and finds Shaun and Silk chillin in the lounge with a fire going. Shaun hops up from being all lazy and slouchy, offers Takeshi a seat, is just generally a really genial guy. He starts chatting up Takeshi about various things.
Shaun: So, how’d you meet Remy?
Takeshi: UM. Well. Uh, we met at a comic shop. We both like the same stuff. [thinking: YEAH MAN PLAYED HELLA COOL]
Shaun: PFFFT you mean her gay animes? With the fruity boys?
Takeshi: [smiles, catches slowly on fire]
Shaun: IDK bro, Japanese animes are WEIRD.
Silk: Don’t be racist, Shaun. Really, slash has been written by SO many people blah blah blah blah blah
Shaun: Ya whatever, I’m not gay, not my scene.
Takeshi: [staring at Silk and thinking: how in the fuck do you even KNOW]
They go on to chat a bit about how interesting and eccentric Shaun and his family are, Silk cracks jokes about how Shaun is the normal one, and they basically just do some small talk. Until Silk decides this is an excellent time for an EGO BATTLE.
Silk: So, are you and Remy together or not?
Takeshi: WHY CAUSE YOU WANT IN ON SOME OF THIS? EH? EH? TAKESHI AND REMY SAMMICH? EH? SHE’S DOWN FOR THE THREESOME.
Shaun: [dies laughing]
Silk: [nostrils flare INTENSELY]
Takeshi: WUT BAE U SCARED IM GONNA OUTDO YOU?
Silk: [NOSTRILS FLARING]
Takeshi: OR U SCURRD IMMA TOUCH YOU
Takeshi: WIF
Takeshi: MAH
Takeshi: D I C K ? ? ? !
Shaun: [DYING]
Silk: [NOSTRILS FLARING LIKE THEY’RE WINGS HE WILL FLY AWAY WITH]
Silk: What ever makes you say that?
Takeshi: Cause, boo. YOU’RE FRESH FISH. FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESH FIIIIIIIIISH. STILL GOT DAT BOOTY CHERRY, AIN’T EVEN CREAMED FROM A BOY.
Shaun: [he ded]
Silk: WELL NOW, THAT IS A -VERY- LARGE ASSUMPTION!!!!
Takeshi: Maybe. [leans in, whispers] cept u smell like tunaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa fishyboi cherrypop.
Silk: [NOSTRILS SO FLARED THEY BEGIN TO CATCH THE WIND LIKE PARACHUTES]
Silk: [FACE LIKE THE KOOL-AID MAN]
Takeshi: I’ll be around, yanno, if you want dat… [puts on sunglasses] CHERRY POP! [moonwalks out of the lounge]
While Takeshi is enacting his MASTERPLAN TROLLPLAN, Remy is in the workstation, listening to the Gorgons squawk about literally everything possible. Eventually they leave her to finish up their dresses, after picking out some little embellishments here and there. Remy busts ass and then just sort of lolls there, praying someone will bring her something to eat, or drink, preferably warm, because it’s cold and lonely in Cinderella’s cellar.
Nah! It’s just Alix.
Alix: WE’RE PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK, KISSES IF YOU LOSE, A SPANKING IF YOU WIN.
Remy: im out
Alix: SILK IS IT.
Remy: HOLY FUCK I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO IN
Alix hides up the chimney, Remy hides in a trunk, and after a few moments, Marianne the “buxom silversmith” as she’s now described and I far prefer, comes in and hides behind some clothes. Silk enters soon after and goes hunting, and Remy IMMEDIATELY starts considering pouncing him right in the middle of the room and initiating some kisses that quickly turn into sex. Before she can enact her poorly constructed masterplan, Marianne LEAPS out at Silk like some sort of lioness and CLINGS. Remy’s whole entire sex fantasy is SHATTERED, and Silk is just stumbling around with this goth chick attached to him, not knowing WTF.
Silk: You’re supposed to wait to be found!
Marianne: BUT LET’S FUCK [clings and grinds]
Silk: No.
Marianne: [gropes his ass] C’MOOOOOON
Silk: No!
Marianne: [literally starts nuzzling his junk through his pants] C’MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNN
Silk: Fucking no! Go to the parlor and wait, you lost the game!
Marianne: [whips off her shirt]
Remy and Alix: WHAT IN THE FRESH HELL
Marianne: WANNA GET MY TITTIES CREAMY?!?!??!
Silk (and Remy and Alix in their heads): FOR THE LAST TIME, NO!
Marianne: BUT I SWALLOWED YOUR CUM!
Silk: YES AND I RECIPROCATED DID I NOT?
Marianne: OH SO IT WAS JUST A QUICKIE THEN, WAS IT?
Silk: FINALLY YOU GET IT.
Marianne: I HATE U SO MUCH AUGH [puts t-shirt on and runs off in a tantrum]
Alix sneeze-laughs and falls out of the chimney and Silk is like OF FUCKING -COURSE- YOU WERE HERE TO WATCH THAT ENTIRE DEBACLE, kisses her on the forehead, and is like “Don’t punch me, it’s the rules.” Alix responds with “I don’t give a FUCK, but if you try fucking with Chelsea or Remy, I will wear your dickskin as a hat, so help me God.” Silk says he wouldn’t ever fuck with his best mate’s woman like that and Remy is taken. Alix laughs for about a year and is like “TAKESHI DON’T HAVE SHIT, SHE JUST NEEDS MODELS”. Silk’s brain is all PROCESSING… PROCESSING, thanks her for telling him about Takeshi, and leaves.
Remy LEAPS out of the trunk, ready to kill Alix for talking shit on Takeshi. Alix is just like I COULD DO WAY BETTER THAN THAT LITTLE PUNK, not seeming to realize how hypocritical it is to call men out for thinking they could make her straight while attempting to molest her best friend into being a lesbian. Remy, for some reason, is like “FINE THEN, GO AHEAD AND KISS ME”. Alix kisses her, and is trying SO FUCKING HARD to be romantic about it and Remy breaks the kiss going “THANK YOU BUT THAT DOESN’T DO SHIT FOR ME. I LIKE MEN. I LIKE DICK. I LIKE WATCHING MEN TOUCH EACH OTHER’S DICKS, OK? OK!”
They’re all awkward and apologizing to each other for some reason and then agree to just be friends without any of this bullshit. Alix tells her to go hide and admits there was no winner’s spanking, they actually win some liquor and some magazines and lipsticks or some shit, as well as whatever Remy throws in. Remy, grumpily, is like “a fucking goddamn spanking”, which Alix is kind enough to laugh at.
Alix heads to the parlor while Remy runs off to hide again, sneaking her way into the master bedroom and hiding in the closet. Moments later, Shaun and Chelsea come tearing in and dive under the bed. Seconds later, Silk comes in, walks around the bed, and then sits on top of it. After about half a minute…
Chelsea: IS HE GONE
Shaun: YA I THINK SO
Chelsea: SHOULD WE STAY HERE, OR FIND SOMEWHERE ELSE?
Shaun: HEHEHE LET’S FUCK UNDER THE BED!
Silk: You guys, I’m on top of the bed. Let’s stop this before it gets gross.
They both crawl out, caught, and Silk tells them to head to the lounge. Chelsea, though, sweet stupid Chelsea, asks Silk where her losing kiss is. Shaun immediately starts growling like a dog and Silk is like “UM, HOW BOUT NO” but then Chelsea is kissing him as he recoils. Shaun yanks her off of him and is like WTF and she’s like CHILL I CAN GIVE HIM A LIL SMOOCH BEFORE OUR WEDDING, CHRIST ALMIGHTY, THANKS FOR THE TRUST, and they go bitching off into the lounge. Remy ALMOST gets caught by her cat showing up and swirling around her ankles going MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MUM WHERE IS MY KIBBLE MEOW MEOW MEOW as loud as he possibly can, but she manages to shoo him away.
She does her best Solid Snake impression after Silk, who is in the midst of finding Dolores hiding behind a tapestry. Silk gives her a dainty peck, and Dolores is like “that’s it?” and Silk is like “well what the fuck were you expecting, tongues?” and Dolores flat out is like “TONSILS”. Remy recoils in horror, not wanting to see if Dolores whips her tits out with a request of some cream filling, but Dolores leaves, making some quip about how Silk should come to see her when he’s done with schoolgirls and wants some age and experience. Remy’s like “pfft yeah with an absence of taste or decency”, but Silk is already off again.
Remy hauls off into the kitchen and finds Takeshi, who grabs her hand.
Takeshi: WHERE SILK.
Remy: Two floors up, just behind you.
Takeshi: LET ME WIN AND I’LL GIVE YOU A PRESENT.
Remy: Fucking… what? O-okay?
Takeshi: K THX BAI ❤
Remy goes racing down the pantry steps and SHADOW THE CAT TRIPS HER THE FUCK UP. She crashes down the stairs, cursing the day she ever brought home a stupid cat, and Silk shows up and she’s like GOD FUCKING DAMN IT. Silk is full of concern for her ankle, but she’s fine, explaining that Shadow simply tried to murder her for not being fed at exactly 4:30pm.
Silk leans in to give her the most miniscule kiss ever, rubbing her lips with his fingers before barely brushing his mouth against hers, and apparently that simple touch is enough for Remy to notice that his breath smells so much like rum it also TASTES like rum. Before he can get a good smooch in on her, Shadow full on starts attacking Remy’s foot with claws and teeth until he gets his food, and Silk goes running off again.
Remy follows, knowing what Takeshi has planned for him, and comes upon ~YAOI SCENE NUMBER 1~
Silk: Takeshi, get DOWN from on top of the taxidermied moose head, you’re out.
Takeshi: NO! ^_^
Silk: Get down here! You lost!
Takeshi: NO! YOU COME GET ME! ^_^
Silk: GET DOWN HERE.
Takeshi: NO RULES ARE YOU GOTTA KISS ME FIRST THEN I’M OUT.
Silk: It’s hide and seek, not the kissing game.
Takeshi: SILK’S TOO SCARED TO KISS A BOOOOOOY~
Silk: [glares, jumps onto the mantel next to the moose]
Takeshi: [looks directly at Remy, mouths THIS ONE’S FOR YOU!]
Takeshi: [leans down, licks lips, parts them slightly, gets a slight blush]
Takeshi: [flutters eyelashes, strokes Silk’s cheek, breathes his words] You’re trembling…
Silk: [red-faced, trembling] NUH UH SHUT UP I’M GONNA PUNCH YOUR FACE
Takeshi: [whispering] Don’t be so tsun-tsun, Silk-kun. [KISSES HIM]
Remy: [DIES]
Remy’s panties: [IRREVOCABLY FLOODED]
Silk stands there for a second, jumps backwards off the mantel, and Remy runs in all like “OH HAI DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE ONLY LULU IS LEFT TO FIND, K BYE!” and Silk leaves and she runs over to Takeshi.
Remy: HOW. WHY. HOW?
Takeshi: BECAUSE IM A FUCKING MASTER
Remy: You’re not THAT great.
Takeshi: IM HIS FIRST BOY EVERRRRRRRRR
Remy: How the fuck do you even know?
Takeshi: BECAUSE HE RAN OFF TO SULK THAT A MAN TURNED HIM ON! So how wet are your panties, sweetheart of mine?
Remy: [catches on fire] Quiet, you.
Silk goes to bed and lays there in his pajamas, going WHY DID A MAN KISSING ME MAKE ME SO ANGRY BUT ALSO SO HORNY??? ???? ??
Remy goes up to bed and gets some much needed sl- hahahaha, hell no, she’s like three fingers on her way to Orgasm Town over the Takeshi x Silk shounen-ai scene. She’s grinding the bed and moaning and from the doorway Takeshi is like “PERHAPS I CAN BE OF SOME ASSISTANCE?!?!” Remy’s like ‘eh, I dunno’ while he comes over and is smooching her neck and shoulders and shit. She’s not too into it until he starts pleading with her in Japanese, after which she is TOTALLY into it.
They start getting into it a little on the rough side and Takeshi is like REMY OPEN UP TO ME PLS T_T and both of them are getting rather raw and emotional about it.
Remy: We can do this, but no strings.
Takeshi: BUT HOW ABOUT LITTLE STRINGS THO :3 :3 :3
Remy: no takESHI DON’T SAY IT
Takeshi: AI
Takeshi: SHITERU!~ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
Remy: NO FUCK NO DON’T SAY LOVE THINGS GOD DAMN IT
Remy: UM FUCK
Remy: PLEASE TALK ABOUT YOU PUTTING IT IN SILK’S BUTT BEFORE I ADMIT I’M FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU TOO
In our next segment: The Gorgons are the worst Dracula’s Castle Vampire Sluts ever, Eloise makes a huge mistake, Shaun makes a huge mistake, Dolores is a bitch, Alix accidentally feels up Takeshi, and we get SILK AND TAKESHI COSPLAY BATTLE!!!
Garbage Romance 