LAST TIME, ON WEEABOO BALL Z
Everybody kissed everybody, everybody has The Thirst, and Remy and Takeshi got all “I love you” “I know” on each other.
So, we have Silk, who is curled up in his bed trying to ignore basically everything on the planet and on Earth, since bestie Shaun is still pissed that his soon-to-be wife gave him a smooch after losing hide-and-go-seek. Man, goths play WAY better hide and go seek than I ever did. Poor Silk, so put upon.
The door cracks open and Silk hides under his covers like “I AM TOTALLY ASLEEP AND DO NOT WANT TO DISCUSS ANY KISSES I WANTED NO PART OF”, trying to ignore whom he thinks is mopey and drunken Shaun. Unfortunately for poor Silk, it’s none of the above.
The Gorgons have decided to strike.
Drunk, in Regency wear, with elaborate stage makeup and fangs, Sev, Lulu and Eloise have decided they’re gonna play Bram Stoker’s Dracula and Silk gets to be Keanu Reeves as Jonathan Harker. Please, allow me to quote:
“He is young and strong; there are kisses for us all,” added Lucretia.
GUYS, LULU IS THE CERTIFIABLY CRAZY ONE. FULL ON SHOULD BE IN A HOME KIND OF CUCKOO BANANA-PANTS. MAYBE THIS “SLEEP SEDUCE THE ANIME MAN WHILE DRESSED AS VAMPIRES” IDEA WAS NOT AS WELL THOUGHT OUT AS YOU THINK.
The Gorgons absolutely jump him. It’s titties and pussies and pubic hair and tongues and fingers and weird fake ass vampire fangs EVERYWHERE. Somehow it turns into a line of booty getting smacked and then he convinces them to start fapping away and just… ditches out with three identically hot vampire triplets who are entirely all about touching your wing-wong.
Why? Not Takeshi. Of course not. Pfft. Like, how even could you suggest such a silly thing? Takeshi, with his chocolate-colored eyes and kiss like a bitter cherry. Takeshi and his sky blue hair. Never. Why would he think of him? The only cure for totally NOT thinking about Takeshi is to go and boink Remy, right? Right? Off to Remy’s room.
So Silk marches up those stairs like some sort of sex ninja, totally thinking he’s gonna get it, only to discover AI SHITERU T_T TAKESHI-CHAN CHOU KIMOUCHI, IKUUUUUUUUUUUUU~! going on in Remy’s bed. He straight up stands quietly in her doorway and just stares at them getting it on passionately in the tiny bed. Mostly staring at Takeshi, and his tattoo, and his butt, and his wang, and his Takeshi-ness.
The remedy for that? Running away, climbing up to the roof of the Jacobean castle you’re in, and stand there on a precipice in the cold-ass British heather moors wind in The Coachman Coat. Freezing cold and your hair blowing dramatically in the wind is the BEST cure for blue balls.
Shaun, meanwhile, has been sulking in the den by the fireplace for HOURS AND HOURS. Because UGH how DARE HIS woman kiss HIS best friend and also he’s scared that Silk is going to steal his wife like he’s stolen ex-girlfriends, so drinking and being an idiot is better. Drunkenly, he wanders up to the room, slams the door open, and WOW HIS TRIPLET COUSINS WERE STILL IN THERE ON HIS AND SILK’S BEDS FAPPING THAT’S COOL. Sev and Lulu screech like little mutant crows and go tearing out, but Eloise is halfway to Orgasm Town and this train ain’t stopping.
Drunk Shaun, who is far far stupider than Sober Shaun, stares blearily at HIS OWN COUSIN just wanking away at the lady valley there, and is like “i’m drunk, w/e” and whips it out and starts wanking too! Oh, how lovely, they must be distant Lannister relations. Drunk Shaun is not even paying attention anymore and is totally half-drunk certain that it’s not Eloise, it’s some weird succubus of his wife with fanged mouth nipples and a tail? No, seriously, he’s seriously that drunk and their vampire costumes were seriously that accurate, I guess.
So he calls out Chelsea’s name, Eloise calls out his name, they both realize “oh my god i just fapped in front of my cousin” and it’s SUPER FUCKING AWKWARD and while Shaun is like OH MY GOD I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN, Eloise is like ‘lol whatevs, ninite’. Shaun falls asleep with the sneaking suspicion that he just made a huge mistake, and we’re on to Chapter Nine!
Alix is awake with the dawn, and feeling good, ready to eat some food and get shit done. Swanning about in her manner, she goes up to Remy’s room and starts opening all the curtains while crowing WAKEY WAKEY!!! and thinking wistfully of how she became a photographer and realized she was a lesbian (old Hammer films, jsyk). She starts to wax nostalgic about the glimpses of Remy nude she’d gotten as her roommate, thinking of better times as she uncovers a set of fine buns and places a hearty smack on them.
And then flies off the bed with a screech because HOLY FUCK REMY GOT A NICE ASS BUT NOT BUNS OF STEEL WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT WHO DID I SPANK.
Takeshi, of course, rolls over in an “undeniably sexy” anime manner and blearily is like “Did… did you just feel me up? Man I thought Remy was giving me a sweet wake up breakfast.” Alix of course responds with “WHAT YUCK EUGH NO GROSS NO.” Remy is nowhere to be found, and Alix is obnoxiously making a point of not looking at Takeshi, who retaliates with going UNCE UNCE UNCE UNCE and trying to striptease with the duvet. Alix slaps his leg, throws the duvet across the room, and saucily marches down the stairs with a toss of her head.
About three steps in she’s going GOD DAMN, ALIX, YOU’RE SUCH A CUNT, WHY AM I SO MEAN, I KNEW THEY WERE DATING, I AM SO UNCOOL AND NOT NICE. She passes the kitchen, where the Gorgons, looking particularly worse for wear, are nursing juice glasses (minus Lulu, who is chugging tomato juice out of the carton like it’s going out of style). Lulu cackles out something about being down in 10 after they get some makeup on, and Alix grunts her acknowledgement, feeling beastly and like she wants to go out and take down half a lesbian bar with her mouth.
Unfortunately, a BODY ON THE STAIRS tries to kill her first, so she starts railing about how FUCK YOU THIS ISN’T A CHAIR until she realizes it’s Marianne, and she’s in a Sisters of Mercy shirt and a white lace babydoll dress under it, weeping softly. Alix realizes with surprise that she’s crying over Silk, and realizes with surprise that she, Alix, gives a shit. Alix straight up is like “why are you crying over that wanker” and Marianne goes “I GOT DUMPED”. Alix laughs for a thousand years and goes “a one night stand isn’t dating, that’s not how this works, that’s not how any of this works.”
Marianne, of course, is HORRIFIED because HOW DARE U and Alix is like “shut up and drink this truth tea, he won’t fuck you, go do your corset modelling alone with me, you don’t have to be around Silk if it makes you uncomfortable.” Marianne gets all pouty that OMG Remy has TWO BOYS who want her and BOO HOO, to which Alix counters with a total lie that Takeshi and Remy’s relationship is “strictly business”, and Marianne goes “oh so is THAT why he wasn’t in his own bed last night.”
By only the Grace of God and Baby Jesus and Slash and All Things Bright and Beautiful does Alix not rip Marianne’s face skin off and eat it right there. Marianne can see the flash of pure murderrage in Alix’s eyes and grabs her hand, apologizing that she hit a nerve and she’s being bitchy and she’s sorry, but Takeshi doesn’t usually get like this about girls, so she’s pretty sure that he’s in love with Remy. Alix is just like “NO FUCK YOU AND YOUR FACE AND YOUR WHOLE LIFE” and marches off, the only bit of relief in her mind the fact that Remy is shit-tier at relationships and self-sabotages. Because Alix is a really really bad and self-absorbed friend.
Meanwhile, Remy rips her very favorite special dress that looks like fire and on top of all the emotion and hectic speed and crazy wedding shit, it takes everything in her not to cry. Which is okay, because Silk is sitting there in her workroom alone in his underpants.
What, you mean YOU don’t regularly just enter a friend’s home while they’re not there and then take off all your clothes? Why not?
She manages to not just blurt out something dumb for the first time in the book, but somehow REALLY SEXILY is like “someone steal your clothes?” He just coolly looks at her and is like “Didn’t you want to dress me like a doll?” and Remy goes OH YEAH HUH I DID WANT TO DO THAT THING.
“Dress me like a doll” is apparently code for “make out with me violently” so they do the thing. Alix and Takeshi walk in on this and Alix, with the greatest amount of smug self-righteous vicious vengeance happiness in her voice is like, OH WELL GOODNESS, EXCUSE US!
Remy: Oh fuck.
Takeshi:
Takeshi:
Takeshi: (forced politeness) Good morning, Silk. Remy.
Alix: Haha, oh look, you can pinpoint the exact moment where his heart breaks!
Remy starts frantically handing clothes to Silk and sewing things while looking at ABSOLUTELY NOBODY. Silk goes to pick out a few pieces as Alix asks like a gleeful hand-rubbing little goblin if Remy still wanted to do the fashion shoot, which Remy agrees to without looking. Takeshi, meanwhile, is making this face >:[ and is frantically grabbing everything that Silk doesn’t because FUCK YOU I’M GOING TO YOU WOMAN STEALING POOP FACE ASSBUTT. He throws on some gothy outfit and then storms into the hallway, stealing a sword from a suit of armor and swinging it around. Because, you know, he’s Japanese. That’s apparently what they do, according to moon-faced English women.
Silk is like LOL NOOB and Takeshi is like WOMAN STEALER, and Silk is like “WELL SHE LIKED IT.”
Oh no, you Entered the Dragon, Silk.
Takeshi: [sidles up with sword]
Takeshi: It must be so… [glances for FAR TOO LONG at Silk’s crotch] hard. So hard to find so little satisfaction.
Takeshi: [gets closer]
Takeshi: So… lonely. So… cold.
Silk:
Silk: i know wat ur doing and im telling u it wont work
Takeshi: Oh really? It won’t work?
Takeshi: [leans in as close as humanly possible without touching him]
Takeshi: [dramatic sexy anime whisper] then why are you hard, Silk-kun?
Silk: !!!!!!!!!!!!
Silk: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Takeshi: [fucking flies on that sword out of the castle like a fucking hoverboard]
So they go out to the photo shoot place. Silk is wearing a blue velvet coat and top hat with a silver sword cane, and Takeshi is wearing a silk dressing gown with “Spiderman underpants”, a pair of black briefs with a silver spiderweb design. They take about one thousand pictures and Alix starts packing up because like FUCK does she want to take pictures of Takeshi in fucking Spidey panties. Remy is like NO WAIT WE WILL DO THE COSPLAY we need to do it like yaoi and Alix is about so done with this, but she gets photos of Remy’s ass, so whatever.
They slap The Coachman’s Coat on Silk and a bunch of punk goth looking shit on Takeshi. Taking the super gaybaiting photos goes well until Takeshi straight up kisses Silk.
OH IT’S FUCKIN ON NOW.
They start tumbling and Alix is like WHOOHOO YEAH FUCKIN FIGHT GET ‘IM and Remy is like NO NO ALL WILL BE RUINED. Suddenly, Takeshi backs him up against the fountain with his sword and Alix again is like OOH THESE ARE FUCKIN BEAUTY SHOTS. She’s going ape with the angles while Takeshi is playing this game to the HILT. He starts unbuttoning Silk’s shirt and touching his bare chest and looking longingly and licking his bellybutton (what, don’t you?) He straight up starts pullling Silk’s pants off and trying to get at his wang while Alix is Pokemon Snap all over the place.
Silk: I WILL FUCKING CASTRATE YOU IF YOU DO NOT STOP LICKING ME.
Takeshi: Okay! :3 *bites Silk’s inner thigh*
Silk: [FLIES AWAY ON FLARED NOSTRIL POWER]
Silk marches off into the orange grove surrounding the castle, bonered and confused by the boner. Boys? Boys give boners? What? But straight? What? Silk needs a pamphlet.
But he doesn’t get one. He gets Dolores appearing suddenly and panting for his boner and he’s finally like YOU KNOW WHAT, BITCH? YOU WANT IT? OK GET IT THEN.
As you do, he dominates her and bangs her doggy style, no holes barred, in the middle of this orange grove. Real raunchy shit going down. Banging away like crazy, whew. As soon as both are about to pop off
“MOTHER!” Chelsea’s shriek cut through the fog of bliss.
Nothing can ever be easy, can it?
So Chelsea shows up with four of the neighbors, and is now forced to introduce her bent over mum with a cock up her ass, who’s still orgasming from the cock up her ass, in the middle of their orange grove. Two of the dudes are titled. So like this wasn’t fucking nonsense enough, Chelsea fucking MAKES INTRODUCTIONS for Silk and her mother who are in flagrante delicto as hard as anyone can flagrante delicto, and these guys just go and SHAKE THEIR HANDS and are like EH WOT WOT GOOD SHOW EH QUITE GOOD EH CHAPS EH WOT WOT?
Chelsea manages to escape, thank God, and Dolores immediately turns on the bitch shade. Silk calls her out on being a jealous wench of a mother and a sad excuse at that.
Dolores: BLAH BLAH WHATEVER oh how was Eloise, better than me?
Silk: …
Dolores: I KNEW IT
Silk: [i have made a huge mistake]
Dolores: SHE WAS FUCKING SHAUN WASN’T SHE
Silk: OH MY GOD LADY, YOU ARE A BITCH AND I FUCKING HATE YOU, BURN IN HELL YOU SHIT-STIRRING PIECE OF SHITFACE I HATE YOU.
Next chapter: Takeshi helps Marianne learn what lesbians is, Remy gets it, Dolores is hideous and ruins lives and hates fun, Alix and Takeshi actually become friends, and we learn about Takeshi and his Mysterious Japanese Past (TM)
Garbage Romance 