LAST TIME ON GOTHIC BALL Z:
The nearly-disasterous anime photoshoot goes haywire after Takeshi bites/licks/otherwise molests Silk into a fit of nostril-flaring hate, Silk works out his frustration by fucking the mother of the bride in the middle of an orange orchard, half the neighborhood introduces themselves to the mother of the bride while she’s got an IRL anime man’s dick up her ass, and Drunk Shaun has Made A Mistake.
We open on the wedding rehearsal, where everyone is all dolled up and forced to endure the Gorgons’ idea of what wedding poetry is. Lovely batty Lulu gets up and proceeds to read her poem, “Ashtaroth”, which I replicate here for you in full:
Where shall I seek my love?
Where has the Voladora flown?
From flesh-glazed shores of Quiddity
Falling between bitter stars, alone.
In the green womb of Eden
My vegetable love shall grow
Fat on the sap of Elohim
In the greener box, for show.
Isn’t that just… something alright? Yep. The crowd responds about the same way, while Remy just stares blankly at the chapel ceiling, apparently stoned as fuck off of the nonsense poetry.
Dolores, everyone’s favorite hot pink-garbed drunken mess, wanders tipsily up to the stage and starts reading “The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock” by TS Eliot. Chelsea has an absolute fit because Eliot isn’t goth enough for the wedding, and HERE STARTS THE SPAT. Dolores brings up Chelsea’s absent father, Chelsea points out that the only reason half the people invited to the wedding know her now is because they met her in an orange grove with a dick up her butt. Dolores purposely stares at Shaun the whole time, insinuates that he fucked his own cousin because she left his room late, and before anyone has any chance to explain what the fuck actually happened, Chelsea slaps Shaun across the face and flounces out in a big swirl of dramatics.
Ah, goths.
Everyone just sort of starts making lots of noise and bustle, but Alix makes sure that the whole damn chapel hears that if Dolores every tries to pull that shit again, she will skin her alive. Preferably in front of everyone, in an orange grove.
We can only hope with a dick up her butt.
Meanwhile, our intrepid blue-haired anime boy, Takeshi, has escaped the fuck out of this absolute shitshow of nuptials, and finds Marianne doing her boudoir shots for Remy’s catalogue with a camera on a timer that Alix has set up for her. The color of her dark red corset, OF COURSE, sends Takeshi straight back to Old Mother Japan and his Tough Times In The Yakuza because it Looks Like The Blood From A Guy He Beat Up Once With An Exhaust Pipe. In case you had forgotten that Takeshi has a Dark Past In Japan somewhere in the past fifteen minutes since it was LAST mentioned that he has a Dark Past In Japan and the Girl He Loved Didn’t Love Him Back.
They have some back and forth banter, Takeshi being a perv and complimenting her ass as per usual, and Marianne whinging that Takeshi doesn’t even LIKE fat girls like her, which leaves me going
Takeshi insinuates that Alix might have a thing for Marianne, who of course is like NO SHE’S NICE, NOT A PERVERT LIKE YOU, which SOMEHOW sends Takeshi into Remembering The Past mode. We learn the girl was called Megumi and that apparently Remy reminds him of her, because every good anime protagonist needs A Tortured Past.
Takeshi then gets an idea, since Marianne seemed pretty darn into the idea that Alix might ever possibly want to touch her vagina. That idea?
Get Marianne to take photos of herself having lesbian sex… with Tifa the RealDoll. And then give them to Alix.
Stupidly enough, it’s pretty likely to work, since apparently Marianne has these constant fantasies of being Fat Rita Hayworth and sitting on velvet chairs in marabou heeled slippers, using cold cream to take her makeup off, yadda yadda. So, Takeshi leaves her to her possible pornography work with a spare SD card.
Meanwhile, Remy has finally managed to escape the bullshit that is the Wedding Rehearsal, and starts walking her way back, down a dirt road, in the rain, while wearing heels, because Remy is obviously not a Clever Heroine who Doesn’t Make Dumb Decisions. Hah.
Obviously, Remy eats absolute dogshit directly into all of the mud in England, and obviously Silk is there in The Coachmen Coat, with a big fuckoff umbrella, there to witness her clumsy oafery while still wanting to stick his dong up in her, even if she’s muddy. Cause, duh, boys like you no matter how awkward you are in books like this.
He carries her, la di da, it’s all very sexual-tension-y, and then Silk eats absolute dogshit into all the mud in England. Just when you start cheering (because it’s about time the poorly written anime perfection does something stupid), they start dry humping in the mud, in the middle of a dirt road. Sexy. Of course, all of this gets horribly interrupted by a farmer driving a tractor, cause, you know, YOU’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING ROAD, ASSHOLES.
The two of them make it to the downstairs bathroom in the castle, Silk INSISTS to Remy that, no, Takeshi kissed HIM, not the other way around, and then we get one of the most boring and nonsensical sex scenes yet.
Remy doesn’t manage to orgasm, and literally almost starts crying because she doesn’t manage to orgasm. Silk is then stuck trying to calm her while in his post-orgasm haze, and apparently the best way to do that is to…
Masturbate her with a bar of soap.
Yeah, bitch, you read that shit right.
He edged the soap down between her thighs, where it slid, smooth as satin, back and forth over her clit.
Do you have a clit, reader? Do you? Even if you’re a dude, I want you to imagine this. Imagine you wet a bar of soap, just some fucking Ivory or whatever, while you’re in the bath or shower. Now, I want you to imagine yourself rubbing the corner of the bar of soap on your clit or the head of your dick until you orgasm. Sensitive skin, mucous membranes, and frantic friction with a drying bar of detergent. Imagine how incredibly non-orgasmic the feel of your overly-dry tight clit-or-dick skin would be.
Do not masturbate with soap, guys.
Anyways, as he’s soap-frigging her Venus pearl, he’s like TELL ME YOUR FANTASIES and ofc she starts telling him all about how she wants to see him re-enact a yaoi manga with Takeshi in an alleyway. You know, the whole WE’RE TOUCHING EACH OTHER AND WE’RE OSTENSIBLY NOT GAY BUT WE REALLY WANT TO MAKE EACH OTHER ORGASM, ALSO WE ARE EXCEPTIONALLY SWEATY AND ALSO BLUSHY kind of thing that rarely if ever actually happens in real life. Nonetheless, Silk sexily claims some kind of sexual ownership over Remy and licks her ass til she comes.
It pains me that this book requires me typing about eating ass in a nonchalant fashion.
NEXT TIME: The love triangle gets triangle-ier, Silk struggles with his burgeoning gayfeels, Takeshi spouts a lot of unnecessary Japanese while trying to crash his motorcycle into a tree and die after a panic attack, and Alix has to save him.
Garbage Romance 